tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44420391583408874312024-03-12T20:21:05.328-07:00Worst. Jobs. Ever.The jobs no one should ever have.ms. craftyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01470034373824200494noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-23735015973553739072010-03-16T21:24:00.000-07:002010-03-16T21:32:05.880-07:00Must Love Goats<b>Goat Milker Wanted: Part-time, Evening milking shift<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> (petaluma)</span><br /></b>[<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); ">only part-time? dammit.</span>]<hr />Date: 2009-07-24, 1:41PM PDTDate: 2010-03-14, 4:45PM PDT<div>Reply to: goatsrule@pullthis.com<br /></div><div><br /></div><div><div>We run a goat dairy and we are looking for a part-time, evening milker to milk 90 goats. The milking shift would be from approximately 5-9:30 pm, 4-5 nights a week. In addition to milking, job includes feeding goats, as well as set-up and clean up of milking parlor. </div><div><br /></div><div>Milking experience is strongly preferred [<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#CC0000;">the goats certainly appreciate it</span>], especially milking goats [<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#CC0000;">as opposed to...</span>]. Applicant must be responsible and love working with animals. Compensation is hourly and rate of pay varies depending on experience. We are located 18 miles outside of Petaluma towards Bodega Bay. </div><div><br /></div><div>Please respond by e-mail only and attach your resume and a statement of why you are interested and qualified for the job. Thank you very much. </div><div><br /></div><div>[<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#CC0000;">I guess you'd have to explain a little about why you'd want this job. Would love to read those cover letters.</span>]</div></div>Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-10228502441183039102009-07-27T15:49:00.000-07:002009-07-27T16:51:01.192-07:00All Sink No Swim<span style="font-weight: bold;">Wanted: Project Manager with Full Body Armor Who’s Not Afraid to Swim</span> (SOMA / south beach)<br />[<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">attempt at overly-clever headline - FAIL</span>]<hr />Date: 2009-07-24, 1:41PM PDT<br />Reply to: badmetaphors@cliche.com<br /><br />We're looking to add a new member to our small, tightly-knit team for our Drupal professional services business.<br /><br />We're WorkHabit, Inc., [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">like 'coke habit'</span>] a four year old technology consultancy. We’ve worked on many high profile and large-scale projects in Drupal, and we specialize in the technical development of complex and interesting projects. We partner with some of the top design and user experience firms in the business and we’re looking for another split-brained type with a passion for technology and design. Check us out online at http://www.workhabit.com/<br /><br />[<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Um, I think I know what you were trying for with "split-brained", but "split-brain" is actually a drastic therapy used to treat epilepsy - it doesn't mean "highly creative as well as logical/analytical." Wait, unless you <span style="font-weight: bold;">are </span>looking for candidates with severed corpus callosums...</span>]<br /><br />What we're looking for.<br /><br />* Technically oriented project manager with at least 3-5 years experience. Agency Experience a plus.<br />* Ability to write clearly, and can pitch in on RFPs and case studies.<br />* Owner of a flame retardant suite of armor who's used to dancing with developers. Our team is brilliant and challenging (in a good way). [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">though, this is why you'll want that body armor, because we'll be pelting you with flaming arrows all day, every day - good times.</span>]<br />* Organized, in fact, you're probably someone who actually has an organized sock drawer. With dividers. That you made from scratch because IKEA didn't cut it.<br />* Excellent phone skills. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">what sort of PM wouldn't have excellent phone skills? are you really looking for a flame-retardant receptionist?</span>]<br />* Disciplined. We don't want to manage you, we want to work *with* you, so be prepared to keep your own self on the hook. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">nice imagery = meat packing plant</span>] You'll be accountable for your results, and professionalism, but we're not the type to hover over your shoulder unless we actually need to know or you didn't send email or skype updates. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">WTF?</span>]<br />* Willing to work onsite in San Francisco with our VP Professional Services, and work closely to support her work. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">work closely... close to the monitor? the desk?</span>]<br />* Whatever it takes. We like work/life balance - it's necessary and awesome. But we also really need folks who are willing to kick it into gear when we get 5 proposals going out at the same time, so be one of those people (like us!). [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">so, when we say we like work/life balance, what we really mean is it's awesome when you ensure your work takes up the balance of your life, which we won't actually come out and say, but we'll expect, so, be ready to check your awesome life at the door for a few years.</span>]<br /><br />What makes you a rockstar. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">as opposed to rock star</span>]<br /><br />* A passion for Drupal. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">what about Droopy?</span>]<br />* Experience working in the Drupal community, combined with experience working on other types of projects outside of Drupal so you are well rounded<br />* Design and/or Information Architecture Experience. We’re an agency, not a dev shop. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">now, now, don't be defensive.</span>]<br />* Ability to estimate technical work in Drupal, and some ability to show us (not tell us) with some examples puts you on the top of the list<br />* Experience working on both high-speed smaller projects, and big huge long-term projects and balance them out.<br />* Great track record of happy clients, and excellent references.<br />* A linkedIn profile full of gushing reviews about how awesome you are [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">another awesome use of awesome</span>]<br /><br />This position is onsite in San Francisco for 3 months contract, and if you're awesome, [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">dude - so awesome</span>] there's a good possibility there'd be a longer-term position for you. We're slow to hire, [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">and slow to learn words other than 'awesome'</span>] and want people willing to prove their abilities. We're going places [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">slowly</span>], so this position could retain the interest of folks who like a challenge. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">folks? who are you talking to? first you want an awesome armor-wearing swimmer with a passion for technology, then you want "folks"? suddenly I want to put on a seersucker suit and solve murder cases.</span>]<br /><br />How to apply<br />Send us your name, phone number, and email, along with your resume and an email describing why you think you'd love to work here (we're looking for an open conversation about being a fit, not a pitch from you), along with your linkedin profile and any other social media you think would help us get to know you to: apply@workhabit.com.<br /><br />[<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Thank god you included instructions on how to apply. This is a major obstacle for most awesome, highly-organized, disciplined, flame-retardant, split-brained, PMs with excellent phone skills and a passion for swimming in a full suit of armor. Phew! This job sounds like a totally awesome never-ending struggle in a pile of quicksand - sweet!</span>]<br /><br />We're really looking forward to hearing from you! Please PRINCIPALS ONLY.<br /><br />* Compensation: DOE<br />* This is a contract job.<br />* Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.<br />* Please, no phone calls about this job! [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">even though if you did call, we'd expect you to demonstrate your excellent phone skills</span>.]<br />* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-70122785320184279212009-04-18T21:46:00.000-07:002009-04-18T21:57:19.228-07:00Women's WHAT Designer?<span style="font-weight: bold;">Women's Bottoms Designer (San Francisco, CA)</span><br /><hr />Reply to: see below<br />Date: 2009-04-17, 5:16AM PDT<br /><br />Research, design and develop seasonal product that consistently delivers the corporate brand strategy.<br /><br />PLEASE NOTE: This position is located in Bellevue, WA (Seattle Area) <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[where we need better women's bottoms, apparently]</span><br /><br />Core Accountabilities <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[not sure that's a word...]</span>:<br />· Research, design and development execution that meets or exceeds corporate margin goals<br />· Strict adherence to the milestones and deadlines of the critical path calendar <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[good god not the critical path calendar - that's the one with the critical paths... on a calendar... that are critical!!!]</span><br />· Design and develop best quality products<br />· Research, interpret, validate and apply market trends that drive brand strategy<br />· Dual accountability with Technical Designer for developing, updating, maintaining the accuracy of design spec packs through pre-production within proto sampling process<br />· Develop technical sketches for new products that adhere to design brief within spec package by product and classification <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[I've got your spec package right here]</span><br />· Manage & coach team of Assistant or Associate Designer <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[team of designer. ok]</span><br />· Contribute to the evolution of fit blocks by category<br />· Review all prototype samples for accurate construction, silhouette, fit and trim details<br />· Partner with Development team and Design Director to determine seasonal fabrics that meet design brief expectations<br />· Attend product fittings and provide input to maintain design integrity<br />· Deliver confident and influential product presentations<br /><br />Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities:<br />· 2 year apparel design degree or equivalent experience<br />· 5-8 years of successful product design experience in Women's Bottoms <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[isn't this a blatant HR violation?]</span><br />· Ability to sketch in Adobe Illustrator<br />· Proficiency in Word and Excel<br />· Outdoor/active market experience with a personal passion for the living the outdoor lifestyle<br />· Working knowledge of WebPDM spec package system<br /><br />WHAT DO WE DO? Eddie Bauer is a specialty retailer that sells high quality casual apparel and accessories for the modern outdoor lifestyle. Our brand is authentic. It is named after our founder, Eddie Bauer. This heritage provides the company with the foundation for the brand: a love for the outdoors <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[and women's bottoms]</span>, quality you can trust, passionate product design, great customer service, a spirit of innovation, and creative marketing.<br /><br />WHY EDDIE BAUER? We believe that people <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[and women's bottoms]</span> are the foundation of our business. Our culture is unique; our values encourage focusing on customers, <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">women's bottoms</span>, quality, curiosity, passion, teamwork, integrity, straight talk <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[express!]</span> / listening and results. Our teams possess a great sense of pride and energy. Eddie Bauer's Associates know they make a difference <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[in women's bottoms]</span>!<br /><br />WHAT WE OFFER! Eddie Bauer offers a collaborative work environment, competitive compensation, product discount and an industry leading relocation program.<br /><br />We will personally contact applicants qualified for an interview. No phone calls please.<br /><br />Eddie Bauer is committed to equal opportunity employment <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[and the betterment of women's bottoms everywhere]</span>.<br /><br />To Apply for this position, please CLICK HERE<br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[click here? oy. web 1993]</span><br /><br /> * Location: San Francisco, CA <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[liars - you already said "PLEASE NOTE: This position is located in Bellevue, WA (Seattle Area)" - it's uncool to lie in your job posting]</span><br /> * Compensation: Competitive<br /> * Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this woman's bottom.<br /> * Please, no phone calls about this woman's bottom!<br /> * Please do not contact woman's bottom about other services, products or commercial interests.Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-45099097254103596292009-03-12T11:31:00.001-07:002009-03-12T11:33:22.524-07:00Let's Pick on WinnipegSure - it's shooting fish in a toilet bowl, but still:<br /><ul><li><a href="http://winnipeg.en.craigslist.ca/wri/" target="blank">Writing/Editing Jobs - Winnipeg</a></li></ul>Bask in the emptiness.Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-80875075120646657962008-11-08T23:17:00.001-08:002008-11-08T23:22:59.878-08:00Oops AgainHardcore oops. So... much... all... caps... crushing... me... can't... write...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">RE--GREETER WANTED FOR OPEN HOUSE (ETC JOBS)</span> [Vancouver]<br /><hr />Reply to: see below<br />Date: 2008-11-08, 2:36PM PST<br /><br />WHAT PART OF GENDER DISCRIMINATION DO YOU, THE POSTER/EMPLOYER, DO NOT UNDERSTAND??????<br /><br />WE'LL SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU IF YOU'RE REALLY THAT IGNORANT: (1) UNDER THE CANADIAN CHARTER OF RIGHTS AND FREEDOMS IS A CLAUSE PROHIBITING GENDER DISCRIMINATORY EMPLOYMENT ADS (eg.YOU CAN'T REFUSE EMPLOYMENT BASED SOLEY ON GENDER, NOR SEEK ONLY ONE GENDER FOR A JOB -ALTHOUGH THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS, GREETING PEOPLE AT AN OPEN HOUSE IS DEFINITELY NOT ONE OF THEM, MORON!) (2)UNDER CRAIGSLIST 'S STIPULATIONS FOR JOB POSTINGS IS ALSO A CLAUSE PROHIBITING DISCRIMINATION OF ANY KIND.<br /><br />DO YOU KNOW HOW TO READ??? WHY IS THIS JOB OPEN ONLY TO FEMALES??? IS IT BECAUSE YOU WANT THEM TO STAND THERE IN A BIKINI AND <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">SLUT HIGH HEELS</span>?? WHAT "SERVICE" WOULD THEY PROVIDE THAT A MALE COULDN'T???? HMMMMM???<br /><br />JUST WHAT THE HELL RU PROMOTING? RU SURE THAT THE HOUSES R THE ONLY THINGS THAT R "OPEN"? YOUR DISCRIMINATORY AD IS PRECISELY THE TYPE THAT THE HUMAN RIGHTS TRIBUNAL WOULD HAVE A FIELD DAY WITH!<br /><br /> * Location: ETC JOBS<br /> * Compensation: <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">Looking 4 a ho'</span><br /> * Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.<br /> * Please, no phone calls about this job!<br /> * Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-2652056672054496922008-10-31T18:06:00.000-07:002008-10-31T18:07:49.112-07:00Oops<span style="font-weight: bold;">RE- ADVERTISING DRIVERS WANTED</span> (etc/jobs)<br /><hr />Reply to: see below<br />Date: 2008-10-23, 6:41AM PDT<br /><br />RE-advertising drivers needed--THIS IS NOT A REAL JOB, BUT A BAIT-AND-SWITCH GIMMICK TO DIRECT YOU TO ANOTHER WEBSITE , FULL OF CRAP FOR SALE, AND AFTER WASTING 10 MINUTES THERE, U THEN REALIZE THAT IT'S ACTUALLY A SALES GIMMICK, AND THE CUNNING A-HOLE WHO POSTED THIS ON CL ACTUALLY GETS A COMMISSION FOR EVERY PERSON DUMB ENOUGH TO SIGN UP (READ CAREFULLY AND U'LL SEE). THIS JACKASS' POSTING HAS BEEN SURFACING IN DIFFERENT CAREGORIES FOR ABOUT A WEEK AND A HALF NOW.<br /><br /> * Location: etc/jobs<br /> * Compensation: ONLY FOR THE POSTER/SCAMMER<br /> * Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.<br /> * Please, no phone calls about this job!<br /> * Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-59284810889183895642008-10-21T15:18:00.000-07:002008-10-21T15:23:16.113-07:00Something Seriously Wrong in WYJust for fun I thought I'd look at CL's Wyoming, ETC section - the ads are concerning for all sorts of reasons, this being one of them.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Et Cetera...1 Million Dollars Positions Available NOW...</span> (Wyoming)<br /><hr />Reply to: see below<br />Date: 2008-10-08, 10:20AM MDT<br /><br />Wednesday, October 08, 2008<br />Wyoming<br /><br />1 MILLION PER MONTH<br /><br />SCAMYOURASSOFF.COM<br /><br /> * Location: Wyoming<br /> * Compensation: 7 Figures Monthly<br /> * Telecommuting is ok.<br /> * This is a part-time job.<br /> * OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities<br /> * Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.<br /> * Please, no phone calls about this job!<br /> * Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-30830678327620669202008-10-21T15:07:00.000-07:002008-10-31T18:19:08.485-07:00L.A. to Maima - Opertunity of a Lyfetime<span style="font-weight: bold;">ROCK AND ROLL!!! TRAVEL TO FLORIDA!!</span> (NOW IN DENVER!!) [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">wait, where are we? wtf?</span>]<br />[<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">posted on Wyoming CL, Dick Cheney's home state</span>]<br /><hr />Reply to: caintspel@illitergitimate.com<br />Date: 2008-10-13, 1:19AM MDT<br /><br />WE ARE ALL ABOUT HAVE FUN , MAKING MONEY AND SEEING USA!!!! LA TO <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">MAIMA</span>!!<br /><br />* SEE SOME THE MOST EXCITING CITIES IN AMERICA [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">like Maima!</span>]<br />* DAILY CASH PAY AS WELL AS WEEKLY BONUSES<br />* EARNING POTENTIAL $1000 WEEKLY<br />* MANAGEMENT <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">OPERTUNITIES</span><br />* TRAVEL COST PAID<br />* RETURN TRIP PAID<br />* PAID LEAVE<br />* OFF HOLIDAYS<br />* GROUP ACTIVE EVENTS.<br /><br />MUST BE 18-25 GIRLS AND GUYS HAVE A GREAT ATTITUDE AND HAVE A NICE APPEARANCE! MUST <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">BE WILL TO TRAVEL</span> FOR AT LEAST 3 MONTHS AT A TIME!! GREAT PAY , COOL PEOPLE TO HAVE FUN WITH.<br /><br />EMAIL OR CALL (xxx)xxx-xxxx FOR MORE INFO!!! <span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">ARE</span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"> </span>MYSPACE IS www.space.com/dontevenbother. Have a awesome day!!<br /><br /> * Location: NOW IN DENVER!! [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">but didn't you post this in CL's Wyoming section?</span>]<br /> * Compensation: CASH DAILY!! TRAVEL PAID!! WEEKLY BONUSES!! PAID LEAVE!!!<br /> * This is a contract job.<br /> * Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.<br /> * Phone calls about this job are ok.<br /> * Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-68813298105755383702008-10-19T22:41:00.000-07:002009-07-27T16:55:48.731-07:00Fugging Laura (AGAIN)Hands up - who's shocked that this maniac can't keep a steady employee?<br /><br />I have a theory about why Laura is plagued by migraines - it likely has nothing to do with odors, chemicals, petroleum-based products or the alignment of the forks in her utensil drawer. And I'm qualified to posit such a theory, having suffered from migraines most of my life.<br /><br />It sounds like Laura is an insane control freak who is wound so fucking tightly, her nerves must be in a constant state of inflammation. Maybe if Laura took a vacation, maybe spent less time trying to tell everyone else how to run their lives, or spent a little less time with her head fully lodged in her own rectum, she might start to relax and the migraines might let up.<br /><br />Someone this fucked up shouldn't be allowed to be around other people, let alone tell them how to bathe or post condescending "job" ads with patronizing content such as "take care of yourself and take care of business." Fuck you - take care of your own fucking business, Lore-Ha.<br /><br />How dare you abuse the word "oasis" and use it repeatedly in this posting. This environment sounds like a fascist nightmare run by the malevolent scent-free bunged-up Laura the Lunatic.<br /><br />Every time I see this post I can't believe she thinks anyone with half a wit would respond, let alone entertain the idea of submitting to such abuse. And stop with the ALL CAPS you rude ASSHOLE.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Archive Intern (berkeley north / hills)</span><br /><hr />Reply to: fugginglaura@fascistnightmare.org<br />Date: 2008-10-18, 1:55PM PDT<br /><br />Type: Paid internship<br />Start: ASAP<br />Openings: 2<br />Location: Berkeley, CA , Located 8 blocks north of UCB in home of UCB alum.<br /><br />Hours: 15-30 hours per week, between 6:00 am and 9:00 pm, 7 days a week (some weekend/evening hours required).<br /><br />Company Description: On-site work for Laura, a semi-retired activist and retired non-profit founder/director, in her smoke-free, scent-free home office. It is a small, sometimes hectic household -- an oasis of fun [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">???</span>] and caring people, in an atmosphere of cooperation and camaraderie. The view is fabulous, and so are the memorabilia collected during the course of some 40 years as a social activist. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">fuck the view - you won't ever get to see it - you're going to be very busy scrubbing yourself with baking soda.</span>]<br /><br />Job Description: You will take down memoirs as you go through the materials from the events and organizations in which Laura participated. You will also help sort, box and ship these materials, plus records from various social movements, to a major state historical society.<br /><br />Job Qualifications<br /><br />Required Experience: Office or archive/library/research/paper sorting experience. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">i.e. must have thumbs</span>]<br /><br />Required Personal Characteristics/Job Skills: Be a good listener, take notes and send them out via e-mail with good writing skills; take care of yourself and take care of business; love e-mail and be fluent in Eudora, Excel, Word, etc.; have experience working for an individual; be caring and compassionate; be responsible about time-management, tasks and cleanup; think consequentially/plan ahead to avoid creating crises; have a sense of humor; value your own labor and the labor of others by being organized, clear and staying on task; be a centered, well-grounded person; be safety savvy in both office and home settings.<br /><br />Transportation: Owning a car is desirable, but not essential. Ideally, employee would have own car for occasional errands, transporting and accompanying Laura to a few of her appointments. Mileage will be reimbursed. A driver's license is required for occasional use of Laura's car and you must be a good driver.<br /><br />IMPORTANT NOTE: Everyone in Laura's <strike>oasis</strike> [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">fugging nightmare hellhole</span>] shares a commitment to being smoke-free and scent free to maintain an environment that is friendly to those here, or visitors, who have allergies, asthma, or are environmentally sensitive. Due to a condition known as MCS (Multiple Chemical Sensitivity), Laura herself is subject to severe migraines when exposed to certain products. For everyone’s well-being, employees and members of their households must refrain from using products that are hazardous to others' health if they will be carried into Laura's household on you or your clothes. Please do not apply if you think you will have difficulty giving up any scented products. (Synthetic fragrances are made from toxic petroleum and other chemicals.)<br /><br />If you are particularly fond of perfume/cologne, fabric softener, scented detergents, dryer sheets, toxic cleaning products, air "fresheners," smoking, incense, scented hair-care products; this, sadly, is not the workplace for you. However, if you are eager, willing and able to make the transition to healthier products and simply lack funds to do so, Laura will help in hardship cases with the purchase of basic scent-free products after your on site interview. Initially you will need only baking soda and Ivory or Basis soap to remove traces of any previous problematic products. Then, if you are hired, you can change over to healthy products for you and all.<br /><br />HOW TO APPLY: For your cover letter, just copy and paste this posting into your e-mail response. Particularly in the Qualifications and Job Description areas, include information about your experience and each of the personal characteristics and job skills. TAKE CARE TO INSERT your replies between the appropriate lines in dialogue fashion, just like the in-person conversation we hope to have with you down the line after our initial e-mail screening process.<br /><br />Give us EXAMPLES of your skills and suitability to the job, as well as the job's suitability to you, plus any comments and questions. Also, add your available times for us to schedule you both as a work schedule and for an interview, and your necessary hourly rate of pay and anything else. If you have a resume you may attach it, but it is not absolutely required. One of the most important parts of your application is your conversational reply, so we prefer that you focus on that aspect instead of strictly your resume.<br />Kindly send us contact information for three references, and good times to reach your references and you.<br />· Compensation: Negotiable - please list requirements<br />· This is a part-time job.<br />· Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.<br />· Please, no phone calls about this job!<br />· Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">unless you're a sales rep for Arm & Hammer or Procter & Gamble</span>]Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-30779348256651209892008-10-13T11:40:00.000-07:002008-10-13T11:43:35.086-07:00Best Job Response Posting Ever<span style="font-weight: bold;">IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO TAKE MOST OF THESE ADS SERIOUSLY</span> (lower mainland) <hr /> Reply to: itsabouttime@finally.org<br />Date: 2008-10-13, 10:15AM PDT<br /><br />As I roam through Craigslist looking at the job ads, I notice many of the postings have horrendous spelling, grammar, and punctuation problems.<br /><br />How can anybody feel confident working for an employer that can not communicate at a comprehensible level?<br /><br />If these companies, agencies, etc. are looking for intelligent, effective, and well-qualified employees, then it would be in their best interest to make an attempt to (or at least appear to) have their shit together.Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-43592140304130452142008-09-28T14:57:00.000-07:002008-09-28T15:10:30.455-07:00Cleaning in Heels? DREAM JOB!HUGE apologies for my extended absence from WJE - it's been a busy year. <br /><br />Back by popular demand, we're bringing you the worst jobs from not only the Bay Area but now, the Vancouver BC area! Double the worstness!<br /><br />Now, onto the worsty goodness. Someone needs to kick this guy square in the giblets. I'd do it, but the pay isn't good enough.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Exotic maid (downtown)</span><br /><hr />Reply to: lazy@limpdick.net<br />Date: 2008-09-28, 10:48AM PDT<br /><br />Moving to a new place in Vancouver and need to have the place clean and tidy. Looking for fantasy / exotic maid service.<br /><br />Prefer a student or someone who would like to make some money on the side, compensation based on availability and what we negotiate in terms of the exotic element. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">C'mon ladies, don't hold back - get ALL your tongue on that nasty toilet. You know you love it.</span>]<br /><br />I am a private and discreet employer, not a company. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">so, no Christmas turkey?</span>] Photos appreciated. Interested in fit ladies only. Thanks.<br /><br />[<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">Right, because you're for sure a hot guy with a dream body who just happens to like hot babes scrubbing his nasty grout with a toothbrush. What a douchebag.</span>]<br /><ul><li> Location: downtown </li><li> Compensation: $60 to $150 per hour [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">this range seems low</span>]<br /></li><li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">no recruiters? how the hell are you going to get qualified, screened applicants?</span>]<br /></li><li>Please, no phone calls about this job! [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">just stop by in your panties</span>]<br /></li><li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">because THAT would be inappropriate</span>]<br /></li></ul> The original <a href="http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/etc/858495323.html" target="blank">douchebag post</a>.Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-61973485958627536622008-01-22T22:58:00.000-08:002008-09-29T14:35:00.022-07:00Laura Needs a Packin'And she thinks you need to be a thinking person's packer. This woman needs a lot of help, all the time. Someone - please - pack her into a box & get her on a plane to the other side of the planet.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Thinking Person's Packing Job </span>(berkeley north / hills)<br /><hr />Reply to: packme@packitbabypackit.org<br />Date: 2008-01-18, 2:26PM PST<br /><br />Located 8 blocks north of UCB in home of UCB alum.<br />Type: Temp job, 2-month pt/ft position<br />Start: ASAP<br /><br />Hours: 15-40 hours per week, between 6:00 am and 9:00 pm, 7 days a week (some weekend/evening hours required).<br /><br />Company Description<br />On-site work for Laura, a semi-retired activist and retired non-profit founder/director, in her <span style="font-weight: bold;">smoke-free, scent-free home </span>office and three additional sites in the N Berkeley area.<br /><br />Job Description<br />You will be responsible for working with Laura and other staff members as they inventory, pack and ship some 700 boxes of Laura's collected archival materials to a major state historical society. The deadline for the project is in 2 months and we are looking for an enthusiastic worker to help us with this final push. <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[but if you're too enthusiastic and might start perspiring, forget it - you could emit a "scent" and get canned.]</span><br /><br />Job Qualifications<br />EXPERIENCE <span style="font-weight: bold;">REQURED</span>:<br />Office or archive/library/research/paper sorting, Packing, experience. <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[being able to read or spell - not important - but you must be fluent in stacking and piling shit into boxes]</span><br /><br />PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS/JOB SKILLS REQUIRED:<br />Careful listener able to take notes by typing quickly, and send them out via e-mail with good writing skills; fluent in Eudora, Excel, Word, etc.; able to think consequentially and plan ahead/clean up behind yourself and others; patient and detail oriented; safety savvy in both office and home settings. <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[what does all this have to do with packing shit?]</span><br /><br />TRANSPORTATION:<br />A car will be helpful for errands, split shifts, and occasionally for transporting Laura. A driver's license is required for occasional use of Laura's car and you must be a good driver.<br /><br />IMPORTANT NOTE: <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[it's so important, it's a giant blathering paragraph that'll put you to sleep]</span><br />Everyone in Laura's oasis shares a commitment to being smoke-free and scent free to maintain an environment that is friendly to those who have allergies, asthma, or are environmentally sensitive. Due to a condition known as MCS (Multiple Chemical Sensitivity), Laura herself is subject to severe migraines when exposed to certain products. For these reasons, employees and members of their households must refrain from using products that are hazardous to others' health if they will be carried into Laura's household on you or your clothes. If you are particularly fond of perfume/cologne, fabric softener, scented detergents, dryer sheets, toxic cleaning products, air "fresheners," smoking, incense, scented hair-care products; this, sadly, is not the workplace for you. However, if you are eager, willing and able to make the transition to healthier products and simply lack funds to do so, Laura will help in hardship cases with the purchase of basic scent-free products after your on site interview. Initially you will need only baking soda and Ivory or Basis soap to remove traces of any previous problematic products. Then, if you are hired, you can change over to the healthy products for you and all.<br /><br />HOW TO APPLY:<br />For your cover letter, just copy and paste this posting into your e-mail to loma64@yahoo.com. Particularly in the Qualifications and Job Description areas, include information about your experience and each of the personal characteristics and job skills. Take care to INSERT your replies between the appropriate lines in dialogue fashion, just like the in-person conversation we hope to have with you down the line after our initial e-mail screening process.<br /><br />Give us EXAMPLES of your skills and suitability to the job, plus any comments and questions. Also, add your available times for us to schedule you both as a work schedule and for an interview, and your necessary hourly rate of pay and anything else. If you have a resume you may attach it,<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);"> </span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">but please do not use it to miss out on the conversational reply to this ad</span><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">. [miss out? really?] </span>Kindly send us contact information for three references, and good times to reach your references and you.<br /><br />http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/etc/543707331.htmlHazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-33455001992558352342008-01-06T13:06:00.000-08:002008-01-06T14:26:18.081-08:00Holy Crap - It's Laura 2008!She's still scent-free and seems to have learned how to write a post that isn't twelve days long (just seven days long). Baby steps.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Archive Intern</span> [Paid, Temp] (berkeley north / hills)<br /><hr />Reply to: freeofscents@scentless.org<br />Date: 2008-01-04, 3:25PM PST<br /><br />Archive intern (paid)<br />Located 8 blocks north of UCB in home of UCB alum.<br />Type: Internship/Externship Negotiable<br /><br />Start: ASAP<br />Openings: 2 <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[2 very lucky openings!]</span><br />Location: Berkeley, CA<br /><br />Hours: 15-30 hours per week, between 6:00 am and 9:00 pm, 7 days a week (some weekend/evening hours required). <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[just say all friggin day every day]</span><br /><br />Company Description: On-site work for Laura, a semi-retired activist and retired non-profit founder/director, in her smoke-free, scent-free home office. It is a small, hectic household -- an oasis of fun <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[are you sure?]</span> and caring people, in an atmosphere of cooperation and camaraderie. The view is fabulous, and so are the memorabilia collected during the course of some 40 years as a social activist.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[Well, if the VIEW is fabulous, then who gives a shit about deodorant? And wait, you're going to throw in MEMORABILIA on top of the VIEW? Shut the front door!]</span><br /><br />Job Qualifications<br /><br />EXPERIENCE REQUIRED: Office or archive/library/research/paper sorting experience in a way that doesn't create or augment any odor of any kind at any time.<br /><br />PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS/JOB SKILLS REQUIRED : Be a good listener, take notes and send them out via e-mail <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[like going to Fresno via Gilroy, it's just like that]</span> with good writing skills; take care of yourself and take care of business; love e-mail and be fluent in Eudora, Excel, Word, etc.; have experience working for an individual; be caring and compassionate; be responsible about time, tasks and cleanup; think consequentially/plan ahead to avoid creating crises; have a sense of humor; value your own labor and the labor of others by being organized, clear and staying on task; be a centered, well-grounded person; be safety savvy in both office and home settings.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[You know, I could take this more seriously if it didn't sound so friggin condescending. A quality person displays these behaviors, yet she's compelled to spell it out so she's certain to show you just how much better she is at being a quality person than anyone else.]</span><br /><br />TRANSPORTATION: A car will be helpful for errands, split shifts, and occasionally for transporting Laura. A driver's license is required for occasional use of Laura's car and you must be a good driver. <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[I would love to transport Laura. Does she enjoy cramped, dark trunks? I'll make sure it's scent-free.]</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">IMPORTANT NOTE</span>: Everyone in Laura's oasis shares a commitment to being smoke-free and scent free to maintain an environment that is friendly to those who have allergies, asthma, or are environmentally sensitive. Due to a condition known as MCS (Multiple Chemical Sensitivity), Laura herself is subject to severe migraines when exposed to certain products. For these reasons, employees and members of their households must refrain from using products that are hazardous to others' health if they will be carried into Laura's household on you or your clothes. Please do not apply if you think you will have difficulty giving up any scented products. (Synthetic fragrances are made from toxic petroleum and other chemicals like those harvested from baby placentas and drowned puppies.)<br /><br />If you are particularly fond of perfume/cologne, fabric softener, scented detergents, dryer sheets, toxic cleaning products, air "fresheners," smoking, incense, scented hair-care products; this, sadly, is not the workplace for you. <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[Golly, that is sad. I'm sad. We're all sad.]</span><br /><br />However, if you are eager, willing and able to make the transition to healthier products and simply lack funds to do so, Laura will help in hardship cases with the purchase of basic scent-free products after your on site interview. Initially you will need only baking soda and Ivory or Basis soap to remove traces of any previous problematic products. <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[!!! Is this like a Silkwood shower?]</span> Then, if you are hired, you can change over to the healthy products for you and all.<br /><br />Job Description You will take down memoirs as you go through the materials from the events and organizations in which Laura participated. You will also help sort, box and ship these materials, plus records from various social movements, to a major state hysterical society.<br /><br />HOW TO APPLY: For your cover letter, just copy and paste this posting into your e-mail to loma64@yahoo.com. Particularly in the Qualifications and Job Description areas, include information about your experience and each of the personal characteristics and job skills. TAKE CARE TO INSERT your replies between the appropriate lines in dialogue fashion, just like the in-person conversation we hope to have with you down the line after our initial e-mail screening process.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[Again with the condescension (and control-freak approach) - Make sure you wipe your tushy after you've used the toytoy!]</span><br /><br />Give us EXAMPLES of your skills and suitability to the job, as well as the job's suitability to you, plus any comments and questions. Also, add your available times for us to schedule you both as a work schedule and for an interview, and your necessary hourly rate of pay and anything else. If you have a resume you may attach it, but it is not absolutely required, and please do NOT use it to miss out on the conversational reply to this ad. Kindly send us contact information for three references, and good times to reach your references and you.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[Dear Laura,</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">My necessary hourly rate of pay to work in your scent-free nightmare will be $50,000 per hour, paid in advance for an entire month, and I cannot guarantee that I will show up at all, nor should you expect me to, because you sound like such a high-maintenance, giant pain in the not-at-all-scent-free ass.]</span><br /><br />http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/etc/528608320.htmlHazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-12080939922104502582007-10-25T15:06:00.000-07:002008-01-06T14:23:13.453-08:00Yowza - That's Gotta Hurt<span style="font-weight: bold;">Re-entry Specialist</span><hr /> Reply to: imburningup@itswaytoohot.org<br />Date: 2007-10-23, 4:19PM PDT<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">[Oh, never mind - I thought this was about space travel.]</span><br /><br />The California Culinary Academy (CCA), founded in 1977 and located in San Francisco, is the nation’s premier culinary arts, hospitality management and patisserie training institute [not at all affiliated with NASA or space travel]. At CCA, students have the unique opportunity to work with many of the world’s finest chefs, spacemen, hospitality management professionals, martians, and culinary innovators.<br /><br />CCA is seeking a talented Re-entry Specialist to join our team. This position requires a minimum of three to five years of professional experience working in student retention, space travel, re-entry, manning rocket ships, hurtling through space at light speed, or admissions.<br /><br />This position will support Academic Affairs and Student Services by falling back to earth unscathed to serve as liaison between former students and staff. S/he [S? Who is S?] will provide various administrative functions to ensure that processes are performed in an accurate and timely fashion.<br /><br />Principal duties, but not limited to:<br />Recruits recently withdrawn students<br />Self-propelled space travel<br />Ensures the academic folder is complete<br />Re-entry without thermal protection<br />Enrolls re-entry students<br />Training others on re-entry methods<br />Student success<br />Liaising with martians as needed<br />Student service advising<br /><br />Education: Bachelor Degree in Sociology, Space Travel, Psychology, Physics, Counseling, Rockets, Education or related field.<br /><br />We offer an attractive base salary, ball caps, altimeters, space helmets and benefits program including medical/dental/vision, skin resurfacing/burn therapy, ESPP, 401k with company match, tuition assistance, and flexible spending programs. Interested candidates should submit a resume, cover letter, videos of prior re-entry missions, and salary history/requirements to jobs@rocketman.com.Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-67473355556120452822007-07-26T21:23:00.000-07:002007-07-26T21:28:33.512-07:00All About Laura (Again)Is anyone else shocked that <a href="http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/etc/379375987.html" target="blank">this job</a> continues to go unfilled? Whatever could be the problem?Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-30429545286049804202007-06-10T10:09:00.000-07:002007-06-10T13:51:25.467-07:00Holy Crap - Laura's Back!Be a "thinking person's" bitch/houseboy/valet/wet nurse, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. Amazing that this job hasn't been filled. It seems like such a great opportunity to forget all about your own life/needs and focus solely on Laura. Laura, Laura, Laura, Laura, LAURA.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Thinking Person’s Maintenance / Housekeeping / Yard Work Job [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">idiot</span>]</span><br /><hr />Reply to: bemybitch@lauralauralaura.lau<br />Date: 2007-06-09, 12:23PM PDT<br /><br />Dear Reader: This is a long job advertisement. We are quite a small ensemble, not a corporation, so we want to save you and us time by being clear and up-front by trying to imagine all of your questions.<br /><br />We are trying to be respectful of you by explaining everything, and want to set a tone and a dialogue [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">french canadian dialog</span>] process that is indicative of the job and its worth to us and hopefully to you. So settle back with a cup of tea and enjoy! [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">there's only so much a person's bladder can hold, Laura</span>]<br /><br />LONG TERM JOB OPPORTUNITY- PART OR FULL TIME COORDINATOR AND HANDS ON WORKER in the hectic household of Laura, a mostly-retired activist, 8 blocks north of UCB with caring people and a gorgeous Bay View! [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">so you can look out at a world you'll never have time to enjoy if you take this job</span>]<br /><br />HOURS NEGOTIABLE [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">except they aren't</span>] between 6am-9pm. One shift needs to be on a weekend day at Laura's, which is the only non-negotiable part. Positions are available for 20-40 HRS per week. A 35-40 hour position would ideally be a 6-day week (including one REQUIRED weekend day) with 6-hour work shifts and some of those hours can be at home each day, as needed. If this doesn't work for you, the next best thing would be five 7 hour days (again, with one REQUIRED shift on a weekend day) with email review and reports at home on a sixth day with fewer hours.<br /><br />A 20-hour a week position would follow same concepts as above. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">how the hell can you make such a simple idea so confusing? either they're negotiable or they're not, and you work it out together - you don't list all the possible hours configurations in the world</span>]<br /><br />Split shifts at Laura's house are also ok; some mornings, afternoons, plus evenings as mutually needed between you and Laura. These times are negotiable for those who have classes, children or other responsibilities, and also to give yourself and Laura quiet time to work together. We negotiate schedules 3 weeks ahead, minimum.<br /><br />Scheduling further ahead is fine, but once set schedules need to not change. We also ask that you advise us of your away times, as far ahead as possible.<br /><br />***REQUIREMENTS***<br /><br />PERSONAL QUALITIES REQUIREMENTS:<br />The following must be second nature to you:<br />=Kind, thoughtful, caring and compassionate. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">except when writing job postings</span>]<br />=Appreciate and value the diversity of others.<br />=Empathic to the extent that you recognize and appreciate the experiences and feelings of others.<br />=Have a good sense of humor and the ability to have fun while taking important things seriously. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">but don't even think about laughing about diversity, feelings, or important things that will be itemized in exhaustive detail by Laura</span>]<br />=Have a positive attitude when it comes to mistakes. They are inevitable, but you need to have the ability to make amends cheerfully and resourcefully, and also learn from your mistakes and teach others.<br />=Have the ability to take responsibility for and see the results of your actions. You are thorough and can see the consequences of each step along the path. You need not to be someone who takes costly shortcuts.<br />=Time-conscious as far as punctuality and budgeting time around priorities.<br />=Love to clean/clean up after yourself<br />=Love to communicate by email.<br />=Think consequentially/plan ahead for the prevention of unnecessary crises simply caused by not being prepared, forgetting steps in the process, etc. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">what a joy you must be to be around - is there anything you won't think to criticize in advance?</span>]<br /><br /><br />INTERPERSONAL SKILL REQUIREMENTS:<br />The following must be second nature to you:<br />=Well-developed listening and communication skills.<br />= Various kinds of life experiences which give you the ability to anticipate and intuit the needs of another and make good judgment calls in situations where you don't have explicit instructions at the time.<br />=The ability to listen effectively as active listeners, write down all instructions (data, plus the whys and wherefores), and ask for clarification when necessary. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">right, so how does one be an active listener AND write all your shit down? and who the fuck says "wherefore?"</span>]<br />=The ability to explain complex ideas and information clearly and thoroughly to people at diverse levels of life, work and technical experience.<br />=Valuing your own labor and the labor of others by being organized, clear and staying on task.<br />=Appreciating the importance of teamwork and values working cooperatively with others.<br /><br /><br />BACKGROUND ABOUT GROUNDING YOURSELF:<br />= It is a large part of the job to think consequentially in order to prevent crises and safety issues which come from lack of planning and prevention efforts. This also requires being sincerely sensitive, aware and caring for the shared environment by picking up after yourself. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">does this job also entail juggling things that are on fire? shaving gorillas? digging up land mines?</span>]<br />= You will need to maintain your own personal organization in order to work in this small house effectively because you will be working among several people coming in and out, as well several years worth of very important paperwork, books, and articles. Your personal organization will help contribute to the solution rather than the problem.<br />= You will also be taking active responsibility for coordinating and doing all assigned tasks and committing to clearly-communicated time frames.<br />= Being organized and adaptable while staying centered and clear on your own limits is important so as not to ask of others what they cannot do.<br />= You will need to watch, listen and encourage people to tell you what their boundaries are, and respect them<br />=Vital to working here is a very clear sense of self-monitoring and a very comprehensive understanding of your own boundaries. Having a clear sense of the demands of your life outside of work will insure that you are not overextended. We value people who value themselves in general, because they can stay the course if they pace themselves well, and the position is long term.<br /><br /><br />JOB SKILL REQUIREMENTS:<br />=Love of email as an efficient organizing and communications tool.<br />=A home computer with email/Internet access and Eudora Pro<br />=Fluency with Eudora Pro (the premier and free email management program), Microsoft Excel, and proficiency with accounting software.<br />=Are conscious about safety (emphasis on your own safety and the safety of others you will be working with/for) and have the ability to work ergonomically on computer, household equipment. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">again with the safety thing - what's really going on in this house?</span>]<br />=Being organized/detailed/accurate/reliable/resourceful, self-motivated, having initiative, a task [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">fire</span>] juggler.<br />=Love of note taking/creating lists and spreadsheets. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">omigod it's my favorite!</span>] Note taking and list making are an integral and important part of your everyday life here. This job appeals to those of us who have a pen in each pocket as well as a few behind our ears, and then you dispatch your notes by email to the relevant rest of us.<br />=The ability to proofread, even your own writing, where Spell Check fails!<br /><br />JOB EXPERIENCE REQUIREMENTS:<br />=2 plus years experience in a goodly mix of office work/bookkeeping or accounting, retail - especially for household supplies and equipment, personal assistance, house sitting, safety coordinator, apartment managing/maintenance, co-op maintenance work, other resourceful and fix-it positions as volunteer or homemaker also welcome.<br />=Other possible job experiences for the mix above: security guard/gate keeper types of jobs in an office (literally as well as figuratively), dorm residential advisor/residential director, butler, camp counselor, top notch receptionist, executive secretary, nurse/nurse administrator, nanny, babysitter (Laura is fully mobile, we are referring to the level of responsibility and level-headedness needed for taking care of business for a quick-moving person, and yourself and locking up a house at the same time!), research assistant.<br /><br />OTHER REQUIREMENTS:<br />=A commitment to being smoke and scent free to support others on the job, including Laura, who have allergies, asthma, or are environmentally sensitive. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">oh right - I forgot - you are the original scent-free nightmare job</span>]<br /><br />Please note that you and your household must be willing to refrain from using any products that may be hazardous to other’s health.<br />Please do not apply if you think you will have difficulty giving up any scented products.<br /><br />If you are particularly fond of any of the following: perfume / cologne, fabric softener, scented detergents, dryer sheets, toxic cleaning products, air "fresheners", smoking – cigars, cigarettes, pot or incense, scented hair-care products; and unwilling to change your use of the above and use healthier-for-you and us products, this just cannot be the workplace for you, regrettably. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">yes, that is regrettable. we're all very upset by this.</span>]<br /><br />If you are eager and able to make the transition, and simply lack funds to do so, Laura is more than willing to help in hardship cases with the purchase of basic scent-free products after the on site interview. Initially you will just need baking soda and Ivory or Basis soap to remove any previous problematic products. Basically everything here is as cooperative as humanly possible.<br /><br />=A car would be helpful for errands, split shifts, and occasionally for transporting Laura. A driver's license is required for occasional use of Laura's car and you must be a good driver.<br /><br />As a side note, if you do not have your own car, Laura's house is easily accessible by bus.<br /><br />= Must be safety savvy in home and office settings. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">again with the safety issue - is Laura a bleeder?</span>]<br /><br /><br />PARTICULARLY HELPFUL:<br />=Experience working for an individual. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">good thing this is listed, because otherwise you could get applicants who have only worked for gnomes, fairies and unicorns]</span><br />=Job experience working in people's personal space [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">do you mean his/her personal personal space, like right up in his/her grill area? interesting job this must be]</span><br />=Roommate experience. Would your roommate / mom / spouse recommend you? [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">mom? mom? really?</span>]<br />=QuickBooks/Quicken knowledge [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">finally, a real job-like job requirement - how refreshing!</span>]<br />=Mac knowledge<br />=Experience in coordinating schedules and resources for others, or human resources work.<br />=Versatility in previous jobs is critical to fulfill several roles- mainly personal assisting and occasional light housecleaning and maintenance work (coordination/hands on/ finding resources).<br />=Homeowner or management experience with suppliers, contractors, insurances, fix it issues/responsibilities (schlepping/scheduling/list making)<br />=Any experiences where you had to be the bad guy, the one who had to hold others accountable whether in your church/synagogue/mosque/temple or your school, college, or living setting as a homeowner dealing with repair people or a project manager dealing with contractors, etc.<br />=Any experiences where you had to be the fall guy, where you were the sole person responsible and all repercussions fell on your head, such as babysitting, closing/opening stores, home care, crew leader, camp counselor, teacher, anywhere where you had to hold the line. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">you mean like in combat? hmm...</span>]<br />=A laptop of your own, though we have an iBook available for use here, if the other computers are in use.<br /><br /><br />(PLEASE NOTE THAT THE NEXT SECTIONS ARE VARIOUS ROLES AS PART OF ONE JOB AND YOU AND LAURA CAN CREATE A JOB DESCRIPTION FOR YOU THAT EMPHASIZES MORE OF SOME RATHER THAN OTHERS, DEPENDING ON YOUR SKILLS, EXPERIENCE AND HOURS AVAILABLE.)<br />[<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">jebus, stop yelling!</span>]<br /><br />HOUSECLEANING/MAINTENANCE/YARD WORK<br />Tasks will vary and may require impromptu problem solving. Your hands-on tasks will include household fix-it work, occasional errands and general housecleaning such as dusting, vacuuming, laundry, and yard work. At times you may need to move light boxes and light furniture for helping with cleaning/organizing projects. We emphasize health and safety so a chair lift is provided as well as access to ergonomic furniture and equipment.<br /><br />Housekeeping also involves heating up Laura's food, making tea and loading/unloading the dishwasher and other light clean up for basic sanitation for everyone's health (i.e.: wiping kitchen & staff bathroom surfaces)- all of which anyone here is supposed to do but you will make sure it happens! :) [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">the smiley face doesn't soften the message of this being the role of cafeteria worker/janitor : /</span>]<br /><br />ADMINISTRATIVE PERSONAL ASSISTANT Email is the primary tool for communication for all your roles with us. Extensive computer use will be involved, including: managing email, writing daily status reports, sending reminders, writing task reports and taking notes at meetings by phone and in person, maintaining schedules and preparing weekly meeting agendas for yourself with others, and sometimes for meetings between others. Actually, these are mostly fast mini-meetings with busy people, so you want to be thoroughly prepared to limit the meetings for what needs to be done in person rather than by email.<br /><br />Your tasks will include generating and updating organizational lists, schedules, calendars, itineraries, voicemail retrieval, filing, phones, ordering various supplies and materials from the Internet and stores, faxing, and errand running. You will also be reminding Laura to take her medicines, vitamins and supplements, plus assisting in the communications with and between doctors, pharmacies and occasional doctor/nutritionist visits which facilitates Laura's health program.<br /><br />Laura travels once a month so she can take care of her parents and her work here in relation to the world at large. You will be packing for her trips (personal and office items), which will require you to follow an extensive packing list with specific instructions. A detail-oriented person is essential to do this task. You will also be needed to manage her household while she is away, just as you do when she is out at events or at the classes she takes. When she is traveling she will call in for you to relay information from people who call and write her as well as to those in the house.<br /><br />Your communications will not be limited to this hectic household, but will be with many people in Laura's world both across the US and sometimes in other countries. This would range from current and former staff to family, friends and fellow activists. We believe you will find them interesting and enjoy mailing off treasures that she is giving away in order to clear out her house and storage (and sometimes you will get first dibs!)<br /><br />STAFF COORDINATOR This involves circulating staff schedules, maintaining and updating the Safe Product list, safety coordination and materials, following earthquake safety protocols, maintaining staff paperwork (hiring documents, human resource materials), coordinating events and field trips (we break for movies and more!), and hosting and scheduling job applicants/other visitors, including folks who come to fix things. None of this is daily, of course.<br /><br />BOOKKEEPING ASSISTANT This involves bill paying and occasional check cutting for repair services or reimbursement for materials and postage etc. which staff pick up, filing, printing reports, data entry, and creating some QuickBooks and Excel reports.<br /><br />HOW TO APPLY: Just copy and paste our Craigslist ad into e-mail. Please take care to insert your comments between the appropriate lines, just like the oral <span style="color: rgb(153, 153, 153);">in-person conversation</span> we hope to have with you down the line after our initial e-mail screening process. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">so wait, the applicant would have to give oral? or could the in-person thing could be all about scent-free interpretive dance?]</span><br /><br />Like a movie script! [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">what? where did this come from? what horribly tedious nightmare movie could this be?</span>] As you respond to the personal characteristics and experience qualifications, include EXAMPLES of your skills and suitability to the job, as well as the job's suitability to you, plus any comments and questions. Also, please add your available times for us to schedule you (see hours below), and your necessary hourly rate of pay and anything else. For ease of reviewing, use a contrasting color (bright red or deep blue, for example) that visually distinguishes your input from the black text you copy. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">how is any of that/this in any way like a movie script? are you back on the scents & out of your mind?</span>]<br /><br />After our initial e-mail screening process, we hope you will qualify for the phone intake and then for the in-person interview down the line.<br /><br />You may append your resume at the end of your e-mail (no attachments, please), but do not use a resume as a substitute for responding to each of the listed items.<br /><br />Please send us 3 references, and good times to reach your references and you.<br /><br />Additional Information<br />Position Starts: Immediately<br />Hours: Negotiable, between 6:00 am and 9:00 pm / 7 days a week<br />Work Types: Part Time / Full Time Regular<br />Thank you for reading this far! This position involving administration, cleaning, fixing, and communication can be a uniquely beneficial, fun and rewarding experience for the right person, especially one with a sense of humor.<br /><br />Corporate refugees welcome.<br /><br />[<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">man, this time I read the whole thing and I just want to slap Laura in her grossly self-involved face. just post the basic jobs you need to fill with basic requirements - enough with your special needs bullshit - you are not special, you are not unique, you are not scent-free. and you can't be a very effective activist if you're wasting time writing shit like this and making the simplest things complicated. put your own shit in your dishwasher, pack your own crap in a bag and wipe your own ass - it's really not as difficult as you might think - lots of people do it AND run their own companies, raise children, and behave responsibly. crazy ass gasbag.</span>]<br /><br />[<a href="http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/etc/348503280.html" target="blank">here's the insanity all over again</a>]Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-1874557458566731522007-06-08T10:56:00.000-07:002007-06-10T10:51:49.850-07:00Does This Ever Work?<span style="font-weight: bold;">SIGN SPINNER</span><br /><hr /> Reply to: tendonitis@craigslist.org<br />Date: 2007-06-05, 5:23PM PDT<br /><br />Great weekend job! [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">great?</span>] Earn $10/hr holding signs directing home buyers to new housing developments. Typical schedule is 11:00 AM - 4:00 PM Saturday and Sunday. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">that's the typical schedule. hope you have a powerbar on you when they put you out there at 8am and you have to stay til it's dark</span>]<br /><br />Must have energy and enthusiasm, and be able to stand outdoors in all weather [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">nice</span>] moving the sign with your arms. Must have reliable transportation. Bonuses awarded based on performance and reliability. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">how is this measured, the degree to which you flail the sign, or how many signs you wear out, or if you can simply stick with the basic job for a couple of hours?</span>]Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-27787989783710049792007-05-03T20:10:00.000-07:002007-06-10T10:52:14.677-07:00A Break from NightmaresA funny posting... it's the "seriously though" that got me.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Awesome Reservationist Job in an Office Full of Comedians</span> (SOMA / south beach)<hr /> Reply to: resume@townhallsf.com<br />Date: 2007-05-02, 5:39PM PDT<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 153);">Seriously though</span>, Town Hall Restaurant is looking for a reservationist to answer phones, schedule reservations, and provide general office support. We need someone who:<br /><br />- Has a great phone voice and sparkling personality<br />- Possesses the ability to multi-task and stay focused during craziness<br />- Is obsessive about providing insanely amazing guest service<br /><br />This is a part time job with anywhere from one to three shifts available per week. Please send your resume in the body of your email.Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-33379087091725296522007-04-27T20:43:00.000-07:002007-06-10T10:53:12.337-07:00Um, Er... OK?So, um, yeah, if you feel you qualify, go ahead and, apply.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fit testers wanted: (emeryville)</span> <hr /> Reply to: busty@cupbusters.com<br />Date: 2007-04-26, 12:02PM PDT<br /><br />The research group at zafu.com is looking for women to join our bra fit clinic. The bra sizes that we are looking for are: band size 34, 36, or 38 with cup size B, C, or D.<br /><br />If you meet our size criteria, we’ll pay you $75 for trying on bras and giving us honest feedback about style and fit. You’ll also walk away knowing what bra size and style is perfect for you! [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">omigosh!</span>]<br /><br />Fittings will be held in our Emeryville offices from May 1st through the 4th. Each appointment will last about 1 ½ hours. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">jebus, that's a helluva long time to try on bras</span>]<br /><br />If you are interested in joining our fit test, email us at bras@zafu.com with your bra size information and your phone number. We will call you to schedule a fit appointment.<br /><br />Unfortunately, if you were part of our February fitting we will not be able to use you again for this one.<br />[<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">that IS unfortunate</span>]Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-75019666967777761792007-04-19T23:05:00.000-07:002007-06-10T11:05:36.231-07:00Paid in Comet AND Lunch!Hard not to apply for this one - I love lunch. Especially while cleaning the bathroom.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">NEED TO HIRE SOMEONE TO HELP ME CLEAN AND PACK. EASY MONEY!</span> <hr /> Reply to: choreboy@freebolognasammich.org<br />Date: 2007-04-19, 12:06PM PDT<br /><br />I am moving soon, and have a little apartment with a lot of things to sort and pack. Having someone to help me will cut the time in half, and I really need some help since my job has me traveling and I am hardly ever home to do this myself.<br /><br />Job will include:<br /><br />Sorting and packing, also most likely cleaning of kitchen and bathroom. I will provide cleaning supplies and lunch. (If you have anything you'd like to contribute that you think will help us along, please bring them if you wish. If you are a professional cleaner, you will know more than me about what's best. I will reimburse you for supplies if we end up using them.)<br /><br />[<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">I know what to bring along - a wheelbarrow and a box of matches</span>]<br /><br />I will need you for at least a few hours, but most likely more if you are available. Please be hard working, and English speaking. House cleaning experience is a plus. Again, I am hardly ever home, so deep cleaning will be involved. (In other words, I'd love to get to cleaning cracks and crevices, too. Don't worry, no "science projects.") [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">is this some sort of lame euphemism?</span>] I need my place to look organized and spotless!<br /><br />I will need you early morning on Monday April 23, (8am) and might need your help again the following Sunday, April 29. It is a plus if you have a truck to help me transport stuff I don't need to the local Goodwill. :)<br /><br />[<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">just hire a friggin company - one that provides packing, cleaning and hauling services - don't keep slipping in these extra requirements throughout the posting - just list all the stuff you need up front, like someone with a spine might do.</span>]<br /><br />Please let me know a little about you in regards to experience and general interests. I know we don't have to be best buddies, but the day would go by faster if we vibed at least a little. :) Also, this is a serious posting and I do not have time to waste. Please be serious about this is you are planning to respond.<br /><br />[<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">really? is it really? you don't have time to waste, yet you wrote this disorganized, rambling post? really? you want someone who's willing to clean your cracks and crevices for no more than a sandwich AND you want to "vibe" with them? are YOU serious?</span>]<br /><br />Thanks.Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-66081138092282914702007-03-19T22:44:00.000-07:002007-03-19T22:51:09.579-07:00Good $$$ for Right Lady!Compassionate dominatrix wanted - no weekend shifts required! But you gotta be on time. Customers will have meetings they have to get back for.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Attractive Young Ladies live your fantasy (oakland hills / mills)</span> <hr /> Reply to: good$$$@rightlady.biz<br />Date: 2007-03-16, 9:22PM PDT<br /><br /><br />Wanted Attractive female dominatrix trainee/apprentice 20-39<br />You can be dominant, submissive or switch.<br />No experience necessary, some knowledge helpful<br />Sessions with Established Private Professional FEMALE Dominatrix and male clients<br />Need to be compassionate; and comfortable with erotic fantasies.<br />Must be reliable and punctual.<br />No sex No outcalls<br />Pleasant working conditions<br />Interesting fun job; good $$$ for right lady<br />Mon – Fri 10 30 am.-5 30pm. or afternoon/early evening hours -8pm<br />No weekends<br />Include brief physical description<br />Respond to PatriciaHazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-2580037994266531622007-03-15T11:29:00.000-07:002007-06-10T11:06:58.911-07:00Scent-Free NightmareI was going to make fun of this one, but it quickly became overwhelming. I think Laura and Jeremy are good friends and enable each other's delusional behavior. And now I'm thinking, Laura, if you didn't spend so much time writing monster job postings, you wouldn't need so much help around the house, yard, garage, and everywhere else you go.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Thinking Person’s Maintenance / Housekeeping / Yard Work Job </span>(berkeley north / hills) <hr /><br />Reply to: tryfinishing@thisneverendingpost.org<br />Date: 2007-03-13, 10:32AM PDT<br /><br /><br />Dear Reader: This is a long job advertisement. We are quite a small ensemble, not a corporation, so we want to save you and us time by being clear and up-front by trying to imagine all of your questions. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">you go, Miss Cleo!</span>]<br /><br />We are trying to be respectful of you by explaining everything, and want to set a tone and a dialogue process that is indicative of the job and its worth to us and hopefully to you. So settle back with a cup of tea and enjoy! [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">I love reading long-winded posts whilst drinking tea! however did you imagine that!</span>]<br /><br />LONG TERM JOB OPPORTUNITY- PART OR FULL TIME COORDINATOR AND HANDS ON WORKER in the hectic household of Laura, a mostly-retired activist, 8 blocks north of UCB with caring people and a gorgeous Bay View!<br /><br />HOURS NEGOTIABLE between 6am-9pm. One shift needs to be on a weekend day at Laura's, which is the only non-negotiable part. Positions are available for 20-40 HRS per week. A 35-40 hour position would ideally be a 6-day week (including one REQUIRED weekend day) with 6-hour work shifts and some of those hours can be at home each day, as needed. If this doesn't work for you, the next best thing would be five 7 hour days (again, with one REQUIRED shift on a weekend day) with email review and reports at home on a sixth day with fewer hours.<br /><br />A 20-hour a week position would follow same concepts as above.<br /><br />Split shifts at Laura's house are also ok; some mornings, afternoons, plus evenings as mutually needed between you and Laura. These times are negotiable for those who have classes, children or other responsibilities, and also to give yourself and Laura quiet time to work together. We negotiate schedules 3 weeks ahead, minimum.<br /><br />Scheduling further ahead is fine, but once set schedules need to not change. We also ask that you advise us of your away times, as far ahead as possible.<br /><br />***REQUIREMENTS***<br /><br />PERSONAL QUALITIES REQUIREMENTS:<br />The following must be second nature to you:<br />= Kind, thoughtful, caring and compassionate.<br />= Appreciate and value the diversity of others.<br />= Empathic to the extent that you recognize and appreciate the experiences and feelings of others.<br />= Have a good sense of humor and the ability to have fun while taking important things seriously.<br />= Have a positive attitude when it comes to mistakes. They are inevitable, but you need to have the ability to make amends cheerfully and resourcefully, and also learn from your mistakes and teach others.<br />= Have the ability to take responsibility for and see the results of your actions. You are thorough and can see the consequences of each step along the path. You need not to be someone who takes costly shortcuts.<br />= Time-conscious as far as punctuality and budgeting time around priorities.<br />= Love to clean/clean up after yourself<br />= Love to communicate by email.<br />= Think consequentially/plan ahead for the prevention of unnecessary crises simply caused by not being prepared, forgetting steps in the process, etc.<br /><br />INTERPERSONAL SKILL REQUIREMENTS:<br />The following must be second nature to you:<br />= Well-developed listening and communication skills.<br />= Various kinds of life experiences which give you the ability to anticipate and intuit the needs of another and make good judgment calls in situations where you don't have explicit instructions at the time.<br />= The ability to listen effectively as active listeners, write down all instructions (data, plus the whys and wherefores), and ask for clarification when necessary.<br />= The ability to explain complex ideas and information clearly and thoroughly to people at diverse levels of life, work and technical experience.<br />= Valuing your own labor and the labor of others by being organized, clear and staying on task.<br />= Appreciating the importance of teamwork and values working cooperatively with others.<br /><br />BACKGROUND ABOUT GROUNDING YOURSELF:<br />= It is a large part of the job to think consequentially in order to prevent crises and safety issues which come from lack of planning and prevention efforts. This also requires being sincerely sensitive, aware and caring for the shared environment by picking up after yourself.<br />= You will need to maintain your own personal organization in order to work in this small house effectively because you will be working among several people coming in and out, as well several years worth of very important paperwork, books, and articles. Your personal organization will help contribute to the solution rather than the problem.<br />= You will also be taking active responsibility for coordinating and doing all assigned tasks and committing to clearly-communicated time frames.<br />= Being organized and adaptable while staying centered and clear on your own limits is important so as not to ask of others what they cannot do.<br />= You will need to watch, listen and encourage people to tell you what their boundaries are, and respect them<br />= Vital to working here is a very clear sense of self-monitoring and a very comprehensive understanding of your own boundaries. Having a clear sense of the demands of your life outside of work will insure that you are not overextended. We value people who value themselves in general, because they can stay the course if they pace themselves well, and the position is long term.<br /><br />JOB SKILL REQUIREMENTS:<br />= Love of email as an efficient organizing and communications tool.<br />= A home computer with email/Internet access and Eudora Pro<br />= Fluency with Eudora Pro (the premier and free email management program), Microsoft Excel, and proficiency with accounting software.<br />= Are conscious about safety (emphasis on your own safety and the safety of others you will be working with/for) and have the ability to work ergonomically on computer, household equipment.<br />= Being organized/detailed/accurate/reliable/resourceful, self-motivated, having initiative, a task juggler.<br />= Love of note taking/creating lists and spreadsheets. Note taking and list making are an integral and important part of your everyday life here. This job appeals to those of us who have a pen in each pocket as well as a few behind our ears, and then you dispatch your notes by email to the relevant rest of us.<br />= The ability to proofread, even your own writing, where Spell Check fails!<br /><br />JOB EXPERIENCE REQUIREMENTS:<br />= 2 plus years experience in a goodly mix of office work/bookkeeping or accounting, retail - especially for household supplies and equipment, personal assistance, house sitting, safety coordinator, apartment managing/maintenance, co-op maintenance work, other resourceful and fix-it positions as volunteer or homemaker also welcome.<br />= Other possible job experiences for the mix above: security guard/gate keeper types of jobs in an office (literally as well as figuratively), dorm residential advisor/residential director, butler, camp counselor, top notch receptionist, executive secretary, nurse/nurse administrator, nanny, babysitter (Laura is fully mobile, we are referring to the level of responsibility and level-headedness needed for taking care of business for a quick-moving person, and yourself and locking up a house at the same time!), research assistant.<br /><br />OTHER REQUIREMENTS:<br />= A commitment to being smoke and scent free to support others on the job, including Laura, who have allergies, asthma, or are environmentally sensitive.<br /><br />Please note that you and your household must be willing to refrain from using any products that may be hazardous to other’s health.<br /><br />Please do not apply if you think you will have difficulty giving up any scented products.<br /><br />If you are particularly fond of any of the following: perfume / cologne, fabric softener, scented detergents, dryer sheets, toxic cleaning products, air "fresheners", smoking – cigars, cigarettes, pot or incense, scented hair-care products; and unwilling to change your use of the above and use healthier-for-you and us products, this just cannot be the workplace for you, regrettably.<br /><br />If you are eager and able to make the transition, and simply lack funds to do so, Laura is more than willing to help in hardship cases with the purchase of basic scent-free products after the on site interview. Initially you will just need baking soda and Ivory or Basis soap to remove any previous problematic products. Basically everything here is as cooperative as humanly possible.<br /><br />= A car will be necessary for errands, split shifts, and occasionally for transporting Laura. A driver's license is required for occasional use of Laura's car and you must be a good driver.<br /><br />As a side note, if you do not have your own car, Laura's house is easily accessible by bus.<br /><br />= Must be safety savvy in home and office settings.<br /><br /><br />PARTICULARLY HELPFUL:<br />= Experience working for an individual.<br />= Job experience working in people's personal space<br />= Roommate experience. Would your roommate / mom / spouse recommend you?<br />= QuickBooks/Quicken knowledge<br />= Mac knowledge<br />= Experience in coordinating schedules and resources for others, or human resources work.<br />= Versatility in previous jobs is critical to fulfill several roles- mainly personal assisting and occasional light housecleaning and maintenance work (coordination/hands on/ finding resources).<br />= Homeowner or management experience with suppliers, contractors, insurances, fix it issues/responsibilities (schlepping/scheduling/list making)<br />= Any experiences where you had to be the bad guy, the one who had to hold others accountable whether in your church/synagogue/mosque/temple or your school, college, or living setting as a homeowner dealing with repair people or a project manager dealing with contractors, etc.<br />= Any experiences where you had to be the fall guy, where you were the sole person responsible and all repercussions fell on your head, such as babysitting, closing/opening stores, home care, crew leader, camp counselor, teacher, anywhere where you had to hold the line.<br />= A laptop of your own, though we have an iBook available for use here, if the other computers are in use.<br /><br />HOUSECLEANING/MAINTENANCE/YARD WORK<br />Tasks will vary and may require impromptu problem solving. Your hands-on tasks will include household fix-it work, occasional errands and general housecleaning such as dusting, vacuuming, laundry, and yard work. At times you may need to move light boxes and light furniture for helping with cleaning/organizing projects. We emphasize health and safety so a chair lift is provided as well as access to ergonomic furniture and equipment.<br /><br />Housekeeping also involves heating up Laura's food, making tea and loading/unloading the dishwasher and other light clean up for basic sanitation for everyone's health (i.e.: wiping kitchen & staff bathroom surfaces)- all of which anyone here is supposed to do but you will make sure it happens! :)<br /><br />ADMINISTRATIVE PERSONAL ASSISTANT Email is the primary tool for communication for all your roles with us. Extensive computer use will be involved, including: managing email, writing daily status reports, sending reminders, writing task reports and taking notes at meetings by phone and in person, maintaining schedules and preparing weekly meeting agendas for yourself with others, and sometimes for meetings between others. Actually, these are mostly fast mini-meetings with busy people, so you want to be thoroughly prepared to limit the meetings for what needs to be done in person rather than by email.<br /><br />Your tasks will include generating and updating organizational lists, schedules, calendars, itineraries, voicemail retrieval, filing, phones, ordering various supplies and materials from the Internet and stores, faxing, and errand running. You will also be reminding Laura to take her medicines, vitamins and supplements, plus assisting in the communications with and between doctors, pharmacies and occasional doctor/nutritionist visits which facilitates Laura's health program.<br /><br />Laura travels once a month so she can take care of her parents and her work here in relation to the world at large. You will be packing for her trips (personal and office items), which will require you to follow an extensive packing list with specific instructions. A detail-oriented person is essential to do this task. You will also be needed to manage her household while she is away, just as you do when she is out at events or at the classes she takes. When she is traveling she will call in for you to relay information from people who call and write her as well as to those in the house.<br /><br />Your communications will not be limited to this hectic household, but will be with many people in Laura's world both across the US and sometimes in other countries. This would range from current and former staff to family, friends and fellow activists. We believe you will find them interesting and enjoy mailing off treasures that she is giving away in order to clear out her house and storage (and sometimes you will get first dibs!)<br /><br />STAFF COORDINATOR This involves circulating staff schedules, maintaining and updating the Safe Product list, safety coordination and materials, following earthquake safety protocols, maintaining staff paperwork (hiring documents, human resource materials), coordinating events and field trips (we break for movies and more!), and hosting and scheduling job applicants/other visitors, including folks who come to fix things. None of this is daily, of course.<br /><br />BOOKKEEPING ASSISTANT This involves bill paying and occasional check cutting for repair services or reimbursement for materials and postage etc. which staff pick up, filing, printing reports, data entry, and creating some QuickBooks and Excel reports.<br /><br />HOW TO APPLY: Just copy and paste our Craigslist ad into e-mail. Please take care to insert your comments between the appropriate lines, just like the oral in-person conversation we hope to have with you down the line after our initial e-mail screening process.<br /><br />Like a movie script! As you respond to the personal characteristics and experience qualifications, include EXAMPLES of your skills and suitability to the job, as well as the job's suitability to you, plus any comments and questions. Also, please add your available times for us to schedule you (see hours below), and your necessary hourly rate of pay and anything else. For ease of reviewing, use a contrasting color (bright red or deep blue, for example) that visually distinguishes your input from the black text you copy.<br /><br />After our initial e-mail screening process, we hope you will qualify for the phone intake and then for the in-person interview down the line.<br /><br />You may append your resume at the end of your e-mail (no attachments, please), but do not use a resume as a substitute for responding to each of the listed items.<br /><br />Please send us 3 references, and good times to reach your references and you.<br /><br />Additional Information<br />Position Starts: Immediately<br />Hours: Negotiable, between 6:00 am and 9:00 pm / 7 days a week<br />Work Types: Part Time / Full Time Regular<br />Thank you for reading this far! This position involving administration, cleaning, fixing, and communication can be a uniquely beneficial, fun and rewarding experience for the right person, especially one with a sense of humor.<br /><br />Corporate refugees welcome.<br /><br />[<a href="http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/etc/293305417.html" target="blank">re-read it again with a gallon of tea</a>]Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-42060517546018914852007-03-15T11:06:00.000-07:002007-03-15T11:42:52.445-07:00Mostly Just a DownerBut at least you get a uniform AND a veeehicle...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mortuary Transport Driver</span> <hr /> Reply to: Shhhhh@dontwakethedead.com<br />Date: 2007-03-13, 11:51AM PDT<br /><br /><br />Full time Position with good salary and benefits. Must have clean DMV. Fax resume to xxx-xxx-xxx. Vehicle and uniform provided.<br /><ul><li> Compensation: Competetive Salary </li><li> Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. </li><li> Please, no phone calls about this job! </li><li> Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</li></ul>Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-11556448935483605952007-03-12T20:29:00.000-07:002007-06-10T11:07:35.945-07:00Worst Design Job Ever, Part IIAnd a few weeks later... this appears...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Photographer/Designer (SOMA / south beach)</span><br />______________________________________<br />Reply to: notasinsane@smokingabitlesscrack.com<br />Date: 2007-03-12, 12:37PM PDT<br /><br />World-class artistic mind wanted!<br /><br />Seasoned or not; experienced or novice.<br /><br />J_____s, the world-famous, family-owned not so big designer superstore is looking high and low for an amazingly talented creative person to assemble all things image oriented for our company.<br /><br />You will photograph clothing and accessories on models, mannequins and forms.<br /><br />You will design logos and print pieces to be used in the promotion of our company.<br /><br />You will create and edit text for a weekly newsletter that you will be publishing that will be seen by over 10 thousand people per week!<br /><br />You will create original photography that will be used in our 14 large display windows.<br /><br />Applicants must have a strong knowledge of basic photographic lighting skills, photography, Photoshop, Illustrator, and html.<br /><br />A successful applicant is a strong minded, yet an easy-to-work-with individual who is very committed and stable.<br /><br />If this is you, we have your dream job waiting! Please send us your resume!<br /><br />This is a full time salary job with full benefits!<br /><br />[<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">did you also send a reply to the original post that may have motivated the very different re-post?</span>]<br /><br />[<a href="http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/med/292783546.html" target="blank">the original CL post</a>]Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4442039158340887431.post-64474710829340064102007-03-12T19:49:00.000-07:002007-06-10T11:12:15.220-07:00Worst Design Job Ever, Part I<span style="font-weight: bold;">Photographer/ Newsletter Publisher (SOMA / south beach)</span><br />______________________________________<br />Reply to: dreamingbig@smokingallkindsofcrack.com<br />Date: 2007-02-22, 11:01AM PST<br /><br />Who we are:<br /><br />J_____s is the most successful exclusively high-end discount store in the country. We are a retailer that offers high quality apparel and accessories in a beautiful environment at prices well below retail. Our flagship store is located in South of Market, San Francisco, and we have a second location in the heart of Berkeley.<br /><br />Employees enjoy working at J_____s because of its small company atmosphere and the fact that self-growth within positions is encouraged. J_____s allows room for each and every staff member to grow on both personal and professional levels.<br /><br />About the Job:<br /><br />First and foremost, the job description is ever growing. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">This means there's no end to what they'll require you to do and you'll have no ability to control the amount of abuse they heap upon you.</span>]<br /><br />The position title is In-house Visuals Manager. This means that you’re in charge of creating and executing all visual imagery for J_____s Retail Inc., K____ L___, Co. and any other on going projects as directed by Joumustbe Kidding, CEO. All visual responsibilities are carried out by you alone. Working hours are 8-5, Monday through Friday. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">and what we mean by that is 8-5 in every time zone, every day, so look alive, rookie</span>]<br /><br />Specific Job Tasks include, but are not limited to: [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">"Specific Job Tasks" should always be capitalized to emphasize the fact that these tasks will take over your life entirely, forever.</span>]<br /><br />• Styling, photographing and producing a weekly Newsletter that is consistent with the CEO’s point of view. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">how objective and wonderful!</span>]<br /><br />• Carrying out job duties via various software programs with a high level of efficiency and skill. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">versus carrying them out slowly with tons of errors</span>]<br /><br />• Scouting free talent and locations for photographing newsletter concepts. This includes posting on Craigslist to gather models, corresponding with models and scheduling for seasonal campaigns.<br /><br />• Creating and executing concepts for Seasonal Campaigns (Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, Sales)<br /><br />• Creating, designing and installing all Window Displays (we have 14 large street level windows for both stores). This means preparing concepts, photographing, editing and post-processing, interfacing with printing companies, and finally installing your imagery.<br /><br />• Styling in photo shoots. This includes, but is not limited to, wardrobe selection and preparation (steaming, ironing), hairstyling and makeup direction, set styling and arrangement. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">hands up! who loves steam burns?!</span>]<br /><br />• Changing mannequin and dress form outfits throughout the store to coincide with seasonal campaigns or other events/holidays. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">for the first 60 days you are required to take the mannequin home with you at night to properly bond</span>]<br /><br />• Reporting to CEO and coordinating with other managers to strategize sale broadcasts, displays, as well as newsletter features and concepts. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">yay! face time with the Truly Insane One</span>]<br /><br />• Designing graphics and logos on Illustrator for needed projects ( i.e. for business cards, websites, promotional material, postcards or whatever else floats your way). [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">as in, downstream, sewer-like</span>]<br /><br />• Acting as a liaison for all production services dealing with company imagery (i.e. photography labs, printers, graphic designers).<br /><br />• Managing all company-related web presences. Updating the website gallery as needed, which should be consistent with your seasonal campaign.<br /><br />• Designing and creating seasonal sale mailers on schedule with sale dates and printing work times.<br /><br />• Keeping track of weekly Newsletter read rates via Excel charts and conceptualizing newsletter broadcast subjects to generate buzz within our customer e-mail list.<br /><br />• Creating signs in Illustrator that will be used throughout the store to advertise sale events and special offers, and coordinating with managers in both stores to ensure delivery.<br /><br />• Running various errands that may arise (dropping off and picking up film, picking up supplies). [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">because you'll have plenty of time to pick up the CEO's dry cleaning and wash his dog</span>]<br /><br />• Creating copy in newsletters that display a high level of English language skills and understanding, to project an image appropriate for a high-end retail store.<br /><br />What We’re Looking for: [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">besides a world made of chocolate and whipped cream</span>]<br /><br />The ideal candidate is intelligent [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">which means no one in his right mind could possibly apply for this nightmare of daily punishment</span>], independent but yet able to work well collaboratively.<br /><br />This person is punctual and deals well with established working hours (8-5) but is willing to put in extra hours when projects require it. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">which is every day, all the time</span>]<br /><br />Above all, this person should follow their instincts without deliberation and stay true to their own personal artistic vision while working under serious pressure and criticism. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">and that means RUN, RUN AWAY and SAVE YOURSELF!</span>]<br /><br />The best part about working for J_____s is the opportunity to explore and nurture your artistic vision in a commercial environment. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">really? is that the best part? I thought it was the ever-growing job description that includes running errands for a megalomaniac</span>]<br /><br />The satisfaction of accomplishment as well as self-growth is what should drive you to work hard. If you cannot handle criticism, please do not apply. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">and if you cannot handle losing all your hair while still in your early 20s, having multiple strokes in your first month on the job or don't mind waking up in a cold sweat from nightmares every night, you should keep browsing CL</span>]<br /><br />Necessary Skills:<br /><br />Your photography’s technical skills are second to your incredible individual style. You must be able to work well on a digital platform (using the company’s digital Nikon D70 SLR). [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">as well as on crack, which you'll need to keep up with your ever-growing list of tasks</span>]<br /><br />It’s important that you’re an expert at using Photoshop because this job relies heavily upon digital file management and post-processing. Illustrator skills are necessary for logo design, sign-making and whatever else comes your way. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">like Happy Birthday Bitsy signs for the CEO's daughter</span>]<br /><br />A working knowledge of HTML is necessary for routine website maintenance and weekly newsletter production. You should be absolutely comfortable working on a Macintosh platform and troubleshooting day-to-day technical issues without assistance. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">because as part of your unlimited duties, you're also the IT department</span>]<br /><br />You should possess an obvious interest in design and fashion and a willingness to keep up with current trends in both. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">obviously</span>] Because your work is seen by thousands, both in-store and on the web, you must be able to proofread your own work. Proven spelling and writing skills are essential, as well as a high-level understanding of the English language.<br /><br />[<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">they keep asking that you have a "high-level understanding of the English language," yet they have no understanding of how incredibly delusional they are about this job posting</span>]<br /><br />You must be able to work well under serious pressure, take criticism, meet deadlines, be able to multi-task and keep cool at the same time. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">and bring some salve and a doughnut-shaped seat pillow, because your ass is gonna need it</span>]<br /><br />Compensation: We offer competitive pay, full benefits and employee discounts. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">competitive with what? regular canings? root canals?</span>]<br /><br />If you see yourself working this position with flying colors, please send us a cover letter and a resume for review. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">I see myself ridiculing the shit out of this elaborate fantasy while you're still looking for a four-headed, twelve-armed robot you can program to do 50 things at once in a split second</span>]<br /><br />If you have an online portfolio, please also include this in your email. Due to our message filtering system, please title your subject ‘Visual 2007’ to ensure proper receipt of your resume. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">oh, OK, cause I'd be bummed if you didn't get my message</span>]<br /><br />Thank you and have a nice day. [<span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">no, no - YOU have a nice day!</span>]<br /><br />[<a href="http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/med/282877540.html" target="blank">witness the insanity for yourself</a>]Hazel Nootsmaakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14939311241779587786noreply@blogger.com1