Monday, March 12, 2007

Worst Design Job Ever, Part I

Photographer/ Newsletter Publisher (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to:
Date: 2007-02-22, 11:01AM PST

Who we are:

J_____s is the most successful exclusively high-end discount store in the country. We are a retailer that offers high quality apparel and accessories in a beautiful environment at prices well below retail. Our flagship store is located in South of Market, San Francisco, and we have a second location in the heart of Berkeley.

Employees enjoy working at J_____s because of its small company atmosphere and the fact that self-growth within positions is encouraged. J_____s allows room for each and every staff member to grow on both personal and professional levels.

About the Job:

First and foremost, the job description is ever growing. [This means there's no end to what they'll require you to do and you'll have no ability to control the amount of abuse they heap upon you.]

The position title is In-house Visuals Manager. This means that you’re in charge of creating and executing all visual imagery for J_____s Retail Inc., K____ L___, Co. and any other on going projects as directed by Joumustbe Kidding, CEO. All visual responsibilities are carried out by you alone. Working hours are 8-5, Monday through Friday. [and what we mean by that is 8-5 in every time zone, every day, so look alive, rookie]

Specific Job Tasks include, but are not limited to: ["Specific Job Tasks" should always be capitalized to emphasize the fact that these tasks will take over your life entirely, forever.]

• Styling, photographing and producing a weekly Newsletter that is consistent with the CEO’s point of view. [how objective and wonderful!]

• Carrying out job duties via various software programs with a high level of efficiency and skill. [versus carrying them out slowly with tons of errors]

• Scouting free talent and locations for photographing newsletter concepts. This includes posting on Craigslist to gather models, corresponding with models and scheduling for seasonal campaigns.

• Creating and executing concepts for Seasonal Campaigns (Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, Sales)

• Creating, designing and installing all Window Displays (we have 14 large street level windows for both stores). This means preparing concepts, photographing, editing and post-processing, interfacing with printing companies, and finally installing your imagery.

• Styling in photo shoots. This includes, but is not limited to, wardrobe selection and preparation (steaming, ironing), hairstyling and makeup direction, set styling and arrangement. [hands up! who loves steam burns?!]

• Changing mannequin and dress form outfits throughout the store to coincide with seasonal campaigns or other events/holidays. [for the first 60 days you are required to take the mannequin home with you at night to properly bond]

• Reporting to CEO and coordinating with other managers to strategize sale broadcasts, displays, as well as newsletter features and concepts. [yay! face time with the Truly Insane One]

• Designing graphics and logos on Illustrator for needed projects ( i.e. for business cards, websites, promotional material, postcards or whatever else floats your way). [as in, downstream, sewer-like]

• Acting as a liaison for all production services dealing with company imagery (i.e. photography labs, printers, graphic designers).

• Managing all company-related web presences. Updating the website gallery as needed, which should be consistent with your seasonal campaign.

• Designing and creating seasonal sale mailers on schedule with sale dates and printing work times.

• Keeping track of weekly Newsletter read rates via Excel charts and conceptualizing newsletter broadcast subjects to generate buzz within our customer e-mail list.

• Creating signs in Illustrator that will be used throughout the store to advertise sale events and special offers, and coordinating with managers in both stores to ensure delivery.

• Running various errands that may arise (dropping off and picking up film, picking up supplies). [because you'll have plenty of time to pick up the CEO's dry cleaning and wash his dog]

• Creating copy in newsletters that display a high level of English language skills and understanding, to project an image appropriate for a high-end retail store.

What We’re Looking for: [besides a world made of chocolate and whipped cream]

The ideal candidate is intelligent [which means no one in his right mind could possibly apply for this nightmare of daily punishment], independent but yet able to work well collaboratively.

This person is punctual and deals well with established working hours (8-5) but is willing to put in extra hours when projects require it. [which is every day, all the time]

Above all, this person should follow their instincts without deliberation and stay true to their own personal artistic vision while working under serious pressure and criticism. [and that means RUN, RUN AWAY and SAVE YOURSELF!]

The best part about working for J_____s is the opportunity to explore and nurture your artistic vision in a commercial environment. [really? is that the best part? I thought it was the ever-growing job description that includes running errands for a megalomaniac]

The satisfaction of accomplishment as well as self-growth is what should drive you to work hard. If you cannot handle criticism, please do not apply. [and if you cannot handle losing all your hair while still in your early 20s, having multiple strokes in your first month on the job or don't mind waking up in a cold sweat from nightmares every night, you should keep browsing CL]

Necessary Skills:

Your photography’s technical skills are second to your incredible individual style. You must be able to work well on a digital platform (using the company’s digital Nikon D70 SLR). [as well as on crack, which you'll need to keep up with your ever-growing list of tasks]

It’s important that you’re an expert at using Photoshop because this job relies heavily upon digital file management and post-processing. Illustrator skills are necessary for logo design, sign-making and whatever else comes your way. [like Happy Birthday Bitsy signs for the CEO's daughter]

A working knowledge of HTML is necessary for routine website maintenance and weekly newsletter production. You should be absolutely comfortable working on a Macintosh platform and troubleshooting day-to-day technical issues without assistance. [because as part of your unlimited duties, you're also the IT department]

You should possess an obvious interest in design and fashion and a willingness to keep up with current trends in both. [obviously] Because your work is seen by thousands, both in-store and on the web, you must be able to proofread your own work. Proven spelling and writing skills are essential, as well as a high-level understanding of the English language.

[they keep asking that you have a "high-level understanding of the English language," yet they have no understanding of how incredibly delusional they are about this job posting]

You must be able to work well under serious pressure, take criticism, meet deadlines, be able to multi-task and keep cool at the same time. [and bring some salve and a doughnut-shaped seat pillow, because your ass is gonna need it]

Compensation: We offer competitive pay, full benefits and employee discounts. [competitive with what? regular canings? root canals?]

If you see yourself working this position with flying colors, please send us a cover letter and a resume for review. [I see myself ridiculing the shit out of this elaborate fantasy while you're still looking for a four-headed, twelve-armed robot you can program to do 50 things at once in a split second]

If you have an online portfolio, please also include this in your email. Due to our message filtering system, please title your subject ‘Visual 2007’ to ensure proper receipt of your resume. [oh, OK, cause I'd be bummed if you didn't get my message]

Thank you and have a nice day. [no, no - YOU have a nice day!]

[witness the insanity for yourself]

1 comment:

ms. crafty said...

Seriously. I have been in the industry 10 years, and I think I could do this job--me and an extremely large room full of monkeys using typewriters, mimeograph machines, and those large fist-sized pencils they give you in kindergarten...

Now, where do I get those monkeys...