Monday, March 19, 2007

Good $$$ for Right Lady!

Compassionate dominatrix wanted - no weekend shifts required! But you gotta be on time. Customers will have meetings they have to get back for.

Attractive Young Ladies live your fantasy (oakland hills / mills)
Reply to: good$$$
Date: 2007-03-16, 9:22PM PDT

Wanted Attractive female dominatrix trainee/apprentice 20-39
You can be dominant, submissive or switch.
No experience necessary, some knowledge helpful
Sessions with Established Private Professional FEMALE Dominatrix and male clients
Need to be compassionate; and comfortable with erotic fantasies.
Must be reliable and punctual.
No sex No outcalls
Pleasant working conditions
Interesting fun job; good $$$ for right lady
Mon – Fri 10 30 am.-5 30pm. or afternoon/early evening hours -8pm
No weekends
Include brief physical description
Respond to Patricia

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Scent-Free Nightmare

I was going to make fun of this one, but it quickly became overwhelming. I think Laura and Jeremy are good friends and enable each other's delusional behavior. And now I'm thinking, Laura, if you didn't spend so much time writing monster job postings, you wouldn't need so much help around the house, yard, garage, and everywhere else you go.

Thinking Person’s Maintenance / Housekeeping / Yard Work Job (berkeley north / hills)

Reply to:
Date: 2007-03-13, 10:32AM PDT

Dear Reader: This is a long job advertisement. We are quite a small ensemble, not a corporation, so we want to save you and us time by being clear and up-front by trying to imagine all of your questions. [you go, Miss Cleo!]

We are trying to be respectful of you by explaining everything, and want to set a tone and a dialogue process that is indicative of the job and its worth to us and hopefully to you. So settle back with a cup of tea and enjoy! [I love reading long-winded posts whilst drinking tea! however did you imagine that!]

LONG TERM JOB OPPORTUNITY- PART OR FULL TIME COORDINATOR AND HANDS ON WORKER in the hectic household of Laura, a mostly-retired activist, 8 blocks north of UCB with caring people and a gorgeous Bay View!

HOURS NEGOTIABLE between 6am-9pm. One shift needs to be on a weekend day at Laura's, which is the only non-negotiable part. Positions are available for 20-40 HRS per week. A 35-40 hour position would ideally be a 6-day week (including one REQUIRED weekend day) with 6-hour work shifts and some of those hours can be at home each day, as needed. If this doesn't work for you, the next best thing would be five 7 hour days (again, with one REQUIRED shift on a weekend day) with email review and reports at home on a sixth day with fewer hours.

A 20-hour a week position would follow same concepts as above.

Split shifts at Laura's house are also ok; some mornings, afternoons, plus evenings as mutually needed between you and Laura. These times are negotiable for those who have classes, children or other responsibilities, and also to give yourself and Laura quiet time to work together. We negotiate schedules 3 weeks ahead, minimum.

Scheduling further ahead is fine, but once set schedules need to not change. We also ask that you advise us of your away times, as far ahead as possible.


The following must be second nature to you:
= Kind, thoughtful, caring and compassionate.
= Appreciate and value the diversity of others.
= Empathic to the extent that you recognize and appreciate the experiences and feelings of others.
= Have a good sense of humor and the ability to have fun while taking important things seriously.
= Have a positive attitude when it comes to mistakes. They are inevitable, but you need to have the ability to make amends cheerfully and resourcefully, and also learn from your mistakes and teach others.
= Have the ability to take responsibility for and see the results of your actions. You are thorough and can see the consequences of each step along the path. You need not to be someone who takes costly shortcuts.
= Time-conscious as far as punctuality and budgeting time around priorities.
= Love to clean/clean up after yourself
= Love to communicate by email.
= Think consequentially/plan ahead for the prevention of unnecessary crises simply caused by not being prepared, forgetting steps in the process, etc.

The following must be second nature to you:
= Well-developed listening and communication skills.
= Various kinds of life experiences which give you the ability to anticipate and intuit the needs of another and make good judgment calls in situations where you don't have explicit instructions at the time.
= The ability to listen effectively as active listeners, write down all instructions (data, plus the whys and wherefores), and ask for clarification when necessary.
= The ability to explain complex ideas and information clearly and thoroughly to people at diverse levels of life, work and technical experience.
= Valuing your own labor and the labor of others by being organized, clear and staying on task.
= Appreciating the importance of teamwork and values working cooperatively with others.

= It is a large part of the job to think consequentially in order to prevent crises and safety issues which come from lack of planning and prevention efforts. This also requires being sincerely sensitive, aware and caring for the shared environment by picking up after yourself.
= You will need to maintain your own personal organization in order to work in this small house effectively because you will be working among several people coming in and out, as well several years worth of very important paperwork, books, and articles. Your personal organization will help contribute to the solution rather than the problem.
= You will also be taking active responsibility for coordinating and doing all assigned tasks and committing to clearly-communicated time frames.
= Being organized and adaptable while staying centered and clear on your own limits is important so as not to ask of others what they cannot do.
= You will need to watch, listen and encourage people to tell you what their boundaries are, and respect them
= Vital to working here is a very clear sense of self-monitoring and a very comprehensive understanding of your own boundaries. Having a clear sense of the demands of your life outside of work will insure that you are not overextended. We value people who value themselves in general, because they can stay the course if they pace themselves well, and the position is long term.

= Love of email as an efficient organizing and communications tool.
= A home computer with email/Internet access and Eudora Pro
= Fluency with Eudora Pro (the premier and free email management program), Microsoft Excel, and proficiency with accounting software.
= Are conscious about safety (emphasis on your own safety and the safety of others you will be working with/for) and have the ability to work ergonomically on computer, household equipment.
= Being organized/detailed/accurate/reliable/resourceful, self-motivated, having initiative, a task juggler.
= Love of note taking/creating lists and spreadsheets. Note taking and list making are an integral and important part of your everyday life here. This job appeals to those of us who have a pen in each pocket as well as a few behind our ears, and then you dispatch your notes by email to the relevant rest of us.
= The ability to proofread, even your own writing, where Spell Check fails!

= 2 plus years experience in a goodly mix of office work/bookkeeping or accounting, retail - especially for household supplies and equipment, personal assistance, house sitting, safety coordinator, apartment managing/maintenance, co-op maintenance work, other resourceful and fix-it positions as volunteer or homemaker also welcome.
= Other possible job experiences for the mix above: security guard/gate keeper types of jobs in an office (literally as well as figuratively), dorm residential advisor/residential director, butler, camp counselor, top notch receptionist, executive secretary, nurse/nurse administrator, nanny, babysitter (Laura is fully mobile, we are referring to the level of responsibility and level-headedness needed for taking care of business for a quick-moving person, and yourself and locking up a house at the same time!), research assistant.

= A commitment to being smoke and scent free to support others on the job, including Laura, who have allergies, asthma, or are environmentally sensitive.

Please note that you and your household must be willing to refrain from using any products that may be hazardous to other’s health.

Please do not apply if you think you will have difficulty giving up any scented products.

If you are particularly fond of any of the following: perfume / cologne, fabric softener, scented detergents, dryer sheets, toxic cleaning products, air "fresheners", smoking – cigars, cigarettes, pot or incense, scented hair-care products; and unwilling to change your use of the above and use healthier-for-you and us products, this just cannot be the workplace for you, regrettably.

If you are eager and able to make the transition, and simply lack funds to do so, Laura is more than willing to help in hardship cases with the purchase of basic scent-free products after the on site interview. Initially you will just need baking soda and Ivory or Basis soap to remove any previous problematic products. Basically everything here is as cooperative as humanly possible.

= A car will be necessary for errands, split shifts, and occasionally for transporting Laura. A driver's license is required for occasional use of Laura's car and you must be a good driver.

As a side note, if you do not have your own car, Laura's house is easily accessible by bus.

= Must be safety savvy in home and office settings.

= Experience working for an individual.
= Job experience working in people's personal space
= Roommate experience. Would your roommate / mom / spouse recommend you?
= QuickBooks/Quicken knowledge
= Mac knowledge
= Experience in coordinating schedules and resources for others, or human resources work.
= Versatility in previous jobs is critical to fulfill several roles- mainly personal assisting and occasional light housecleaning and maintenance work (coordination/hands on/ finding resources).
= Homeowner or management experience with suppliers, contractors, insurances, fix it issues/responsibilities (schlepping/scheduling/list making)
= Any experiences where you had to be the bad guy, the one who had to hold others accountable whether in your church/synagogue/mosque/temple or your school, college, or living setting as a homeowner dealing with repair people or a project manager dealing with contractors, etc.
= Any experiences where you had to be the fall guy, where you were the sole person responsible and all repercussions fell on your head, such as babysitting, closing/opening stores, home care, crew leader, camp counselor, teacher, anywhere where you had to hold the line.
= A laptop of your own, though we have an iBook available for use here, if the other computers are in use.

Tasks will vary and may require impromptu problem solving. Your hands-on tasks will include household fix-it work, occasional errands and general housecleaning such as dusting, vacuuming, laundry, and yard work. At times you may need to move light boxes and light furniture for helping with cleaning/organizing projects. We emphasize health and safety so a chair lift is provided as well as access to ergonomic furniture and equipment.

Housekeeping also involves heating up Laura's food, making tea and loading/unloading the dishwasher and other light clean up for basic sanitation for everyone's health (i.e.: wiping kitchen & staff bathroom surfaces)- all of which anyone here is supposed to do but you will make sure it happens! :)

ADMINISTRATIVE PERSONAL ASSISTANT Email is the primary tool for communication for all your roles with us. Extensive computer use will be involved, including: managing email, writing daily status reports, sending reminders, writing task reports and taking notes at meetings by phone and in person, maintaining schedules and preparing weekly meeting agendas for yourself with others, and sometimes for meetings between others. Actually, these are mostly fast mini-meetings with busy people, so you want to be thoroughly prepared to limit the meetings for what needs to be done in person rather than by email.

Your tasks will include generating and updating organizational lists, schedules, calendars, itineraries, voicemail retrieval, filing, phones, ordering various supplies and materials from the Internet and stores, faxing, and errand running. You will also be reminding Laura to take her medicines, vitamins and supplements, plus assisting in the communications with and between doctors, pharmacies and occasional doctor/nutritionist visits which facilitates Laura's health program.

Laura travels once a month so she can take care of her parents and her work here in relation to the world at large. You will be packing for her trips (personal and office items), which will require you to follow an extensive packing list with specific instructions. A detail-oriented person is essential to do this task. You will also be needed to manage her household while she is away, just as you do when she is out at events or at the classes she takes. When she is traveling she will call in for you to relay information from people who call and write her as well as to those in the house.

Your communications will not be limited to this hectic household, but will be with many people in Laura's world both across the US and sometimes in other countries. This would range from current and former staff to family, friends and fellow activists. We believe you will find them interesting and enjoy mailing off treasures that she is giving away in order to clear out her house and storage (and sometimes you will get first dibs!)

STAFF COORDINATOR This involves circulating staff schedules, maintaining and updating the Safe Product list, safety coordination and materials, following earthquake safety protocols, maintaining staff paperwork (hiring documents, human resource materials), coordinating events and field trips (we break for movies and more!), and hosting and scheduling job applicants/other visitors, including folks who come to fix things. None of this is daily, of course.

BOOKKEEPING ASSISTANT This involves bill paying and occasional check cutting for repair services or reimbursement for materials and postage etc. which staff pick up, filing, printing reports, data entry, and creating some QuickBooks and Excel reports.

HOW TO APPLY: Just copy and paste our Craigslist ad into e-mail. Please take care to insert your comments between the appropriate lines, just like the oral in-person conversation we hope to have with you down the line after our initial e-mail screening process.

Like a movie script! As you respond to the personal characteristics and experience qualifications, include EXAMPLES of your skills and suitability to the job, as well as the job's suitability to you, plus any comments and questions. Also, please add your available times for us to schedule you (see hours below), and your necessary hourly rate of pay and anything else. For ease of reviewing, use a contrasting color (bright red or deep blue, for example) that visually distinguishes your input from the black text you copy.

After our initial e-mail screening process, we hope you will qualify for the phone intake and then for the in-person interview down the line.

You may append your resume at the end of your e-mail (no attachments, please), but do not use a resume as a substitute for responding to each of the listed items.

Please send us 3 references, and good times to reach your references and you.

Additional Information
Position Starts: Immediately
Hours: Negotiable, between 6:00 am and 9:00 pm / 7 days a week
Work Types: Part Time / Full Time Regular
Thank you for reading this far! This position involving administration, cleaning, fixing, and communication can be a uniquely beneficial, fun and rewarding experience for the right person, especially one with a sense of humor.

Corporate refugees welcome.

[re-read it again with a gallon of tea]

Mostly Just a Downer

But at least you get a uniform AND a veeehicle...

Mortuary Transport Driver
Reply to:
Date: 2007-03-13, 11:51AM PDT

Full time Position with good salary and benefits. Must have clean DMV. Fax resume to xxx-xxx-xxx. Vehicle and uniform provided.
  • Compensation: Competetive Salary
  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
  • Please, no phone calls about this job!
  • Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Worst Design Job Ever, Part II

And a few weeks later... this appears...

Photographer/Designer (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to:
Date: 2007-03-12, 12:37PM PDT

World-class artistic mind wanted!

Seasoned or not; experienced or novice.

J_____s, the world-famous, family-owned not so big designer superstore is looking high and low for an amazingly talented creative person to assemble all things image oriented for our company.

You will photograph clothing and accessories on models, mannequins and forms.

You will design logos and print pieces to be used in the promotion of our company.

You will create and edit text for a weekly newsletter that you will be publishing that will be seen by over 10 thousand people per week!

You will create original photography that will be used in our 14 large display windows.

Applicants must have a strong knowledge of basic photographic lighting skills, photography, Photoshop, Illustrator, and html.

A successful applicant is a strong minded, yet an easy-to-work-with individual who is very committed and stable.

If this is you, we have your dream job waiting! Please send us your resume!

This is a full time salary job with full benefits!

[did you also send a reply to the original post that may have motivated the very different re-post?]

[the original CL post]

Worst Design Job Ever, Part I

Photographer/ Newsletter Publisher (SOMA / south beach)
Reply to:
Date: 2007-02-22, 11:01AM PST

Who we are:

J_____s is the most successful exclusively high-end discount store in the country. We are a retailer that offers high quality apparel and accessories in a beautiful environment at prices well below retail. Our flagship store is located in South of Market, San Francisco, and we have a second location in the heart of Berkeley.

Employees enjoy working at J_____s because of its small company atmosphere and the fact that self-growth within positions is encouraged. J_____s allows room for each and every staff member to grow on both personal and professional levels.

About the Job:

First and foremost, the job description is ever growing. [This means there's no end to what they'll require you to do and you'll have no ability to control the amount of abuse they heap upon you.]

The position title is In-house Visuals Manager. This means that you’re in charge of creating and executing all visual imagery for J_____s Retail Inc., K____ L___, Co. and any other on going projects as directed by Joumustbe Kidding, CEO. All visual responsibilities are carried out by you alone. Working hours are 8-5, Monday through Friday. [and what we mean by that is 8-5 in every time zone, every day, so look alive, rookie]

Specific Job Tasks include, but are not limited to: ["Specific Job Tasks" should always be capitalized to emphasize the fact that these tasks will take over your life entirely, forever.]

• Styling, photographing and producing a weekly Newsletter that is consistent with the CEO’s point of view. [how objective and wonderful!]

• Carrying out job duties via various software programs with a high level of efficiency and skill. [versus carrying them out slowly with tons of errors]

• Scouting free talent and locations for photographing newsletter concepts. This includes posting on Craigslist to gather models, corresponding with models and scheduling for seasonal campaigns.

• Creating and executing concepts for Seasonal Campaigns (Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, Sales)

• Creating, designing and installing all Window Displays (we have 14 large street level windows for both stores). This means preparing concepts, photographing, editing and post-processing, interfacing with printing companies, and finally installing your imagery.

• Styling in photo shoots. This includes, but is not limited to, wardrobe selection and preparation (steaming, ironing), hairstyling and makeup direction, set styling and arrangement. [hands up! who loves steam burns?!]

• Changing mannequin and dress form outfits throughout the store to coincide with seasonal campaigns or other events/holidays. [for the first 60 days you are required to take the mannequin home with you at night to properly bond]

• Reporting to CEO and coordinating with other managers to strategize sale broadcasts, displays, as well as newsletter features and concepts. [yay! face time with the Truly Insane One]

• Designing graphics and logos on Illustrator for needed projects ( i.e. for business cards, websites, promotional material, postcards or whatever else floats your way). [as in, downstream, sewer-like]

• Acting as a liaison for all production services dealing with company imagery (i.e. photography labs, printers, graphic designers).

• Managing all company-related web presences. Updating the website gallery as needed, which should be consistent with your seasonal campaign.

• Designing and creating seasonal sale mailers on schedule with sale dates and printing work times.

• Keeping track of weekly Newsletter read rates via Excel charts and conceptualizing newsletter broadcast subjects to generate buzz within our customer e-mail list.

• Creating signs in Illustrator that will be used throughout the store to advertise sale events and special offers, and coordinating with managers in both stores to ensure delivery.

• Running various errands that may arise (dropping off and picking up film, picking up supplies). [because you'll have plenty of time to pick up the CEO's dry cleaning and wash his dog]

• Creating copy in newsletters that display a high level of English language skills and understanding, to project an image appropriate for a high-end retail store.

What We’re Looking for: [besides a world made of chocolate and whipped cream]

The ideal candidate is intelligent [which means no one in his right mind could possibly apply for this nightmare of daily punishment], independent but yet able to work well collaboratively.

This person is punctual and deals well with established working hours (8-5) but is willing to put in extra hours when projects require it. [which is every day, all the time]

Above all, this person should follow their instincts without deliberation and stay true to their own personal artistic vision while working under serious pressure and criticism. [and that means RUN, RUN AWAY and SAVE YOURSELF!]

The best part about working for J_____s is the opportunity to explore and nurture your artistic vision in a commercial environment. [really? is that the best part? I thought it was the ever-growing job description that includes running errands for a megalomaniac]

The satisfaction of accomplishment as well as self-growth is what should drive you to work hard. If you cannot handle criticism, please do not apply. [and if you cannot handle losing all your hair while still in your early 20s, having multiple strokes in your first month on the job or don't mind waking up in a cold sweat from nightmares every night, you should keep browsing CL]

Necessary Skills:

Your photography’s technical skills are second to your incredible individual style. You must be able to work well on a digital platform (using the company’s digital Nikon D70 SLR). [as well as on crack, which you'll need to keep up with your ever-growing list of tasks]

It’s important that you’re an expert at using Photoshop because this job relies heavily upon digital file management and post-processing. Illustrator skills are necessary for logo design, sign-making and whatever else comes your way. [like Happy Birthday Bitsy signs for the CEO's daughter]

A working knowledge of HTML is necessary for routine website maintenance and weekly newsletter production. You should be absolutely comfortable working on a Macintosh platform and troubleshooting day-to-day technical issues without assistance. [because as part of your unlimited duties, you're also the IT department]

You should possess an obvious interest in design and fashion and a willingness to keep up with current trends in both. [obviously] Because your work is seen by thousands, both in-store and on the web, you must be able to proofread your own work. Proven spelling and writing skills are essential, as well as a high-level understanding of the English language.

[they keep asking that you have a "high-level understanding of the English language," yet they have no understanding of how incredibly delusional they are about this job posting]

You must be able to work well under serious pressure, take criticism, meet deadlines, be able to multi-task and keep cool at the same time. [and bring some salve and a doughnut-shaped seat pillow, because your ass is gonna need it]

Compensation: We offer competitive pay, full benefits and employee discounts. [competitive with what? regular canings? root canals?]

If you see yourself working this position with flying colors, please send us a cover letter and a resume for review. [I see myself ridiculing the shit out of this elaborate fantasy while you're still looking for a four-headed, twelve-armed robot you can program to do 50 things at once in a split second]

If you have an online portfolio, please also include this in your email. Due to our message filtering system, please title your subject ‘Visual 2007’ to ensure proper receipt of your resume. [oh, OK, cause I'd be bummed if you didn't get my message]

Thank you and have a nice day. [no, no - YOU have a nice day!]

[witness the insanity for yourself]