Sunday, January 6, 2008

Holy Crap - It's Laura 2008!

She's still scent-free and seems to have learned how to write a post that isn't twelve days long (just seven days long). Baby steps.

Archive Intern [Paid, Temp] (berkeley north / hills)

Reply to:
Date: 2008-01-04, 3:25PM PST

Archive intern (paid)
Located 8 blocks north of UCB in home of UCB alum.
Type: Internship/Externship Negotiable

Start: ASAP
Openings: 2 [2 very lucky openings!]
Location: Berkeley, CA

Hours: 15-30 hours per week, between 6:00 am and 9:00 pm, 7 days a week (some weekend/evening hours required). [just say all friggin day every day]

Company Description: On-site work for Laura, a semi-retired activist and retired non-profit founder/director, in her smoke-free, scent-free home office. It is a small, hectic household -- an oasis of fun [are you sure?] and caring people, in an atmosphere of cooperation and camaraderie. The view is fabulous, and so are the memorabilia collected during the course of some 40 years as a social activist.

[Well, if the VIEW is fabulous, then who gives a shit about deodorant? And wait, you're going to throw in MEMORABILIA on top of the VIEW? Shut the front door!]

Job Qualifications

EXPERIENCE REQUIRED: Office or archive/library/research/paper sorting experience in a way that doesn't create or augment any odor of any kind at any time.

PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS/JOB SKILLS REQUIRED : Be a good listener, take notes and send them out via e-mail [like going to Fresno via Gilroy, it's just like that] with good writing skills; take care of yourself and take care of business; love e-mail and be fluent in Eudora, Excel, Word, etc.; have experience working for an individual; be caring and compassionate; be responsible about time, tasks and cleanup; think consequentially/plan ahead to avoid creating crises; have a sense of humor; value your own labor and the labor of others by being organized, clear and staying on task; be a centered, well-grounded person; be safety savvy in both office and home settings.

[You know, I could take this more seriously if it didn't sound so friggin condescending. A quality person displays these behaviors, yet she's compelled to spell it out so she's certain to show you just how much better she is at being a quality person than anyone else.]

TRANSPORTATION: A car will be helpful for errands, split shifts, and occasionally for transporting Laura. A driver's license is required for occasional use of Laura's car and you must be a good driver. [I would love to transport Laura. Does she enjoy cramped, dark trunks? I'll make sure it's scent-free.]

IMPORTANT NOTE: Everyone in Laura's oasis shares a commitment to being smoke-free and scent free to maintain an environment that is friendly to those who have allergies, asthma, or are environmentally sensitive. Due to a condition known as MCS (Multiple Chemical Sensitivity), Laura herself is subject to severe migraines when exposed to certain products. For these reasons, employees and members of their households must refrain from using products that are hazardous to others' health if they will be carried into Laura's household on you or your clothes. Please do not apply if you think you will have difficulty giving up any scented products. (Synthetic fragrances are made from toxic petroleum and other chemicals like those harvested from baby placentas and drowned puppies.)

If you are particularly fond of perfume/cologne, fabric softener, scented detergents, dryer sheets, toxic cleaning products, air "fresheners," smoking, incense, scented hair-care products; this, sadly, is not the workplace for you. [Golly, that is sad. I'm sad. We're all sad.]

However, if you are eager, willing and able to make the transition to healthier products and simply lack funds to do so, Laura will help in hardship cases with the purchase of basic scent-free products after your on site interview. Initially you will need only baking soda and Ivory or Basis soap to remove traces of any previous problematic products. [!!! Is this like a Silkwood shower?] Then, if you are hired, you can change over to the healthy products for you and all.

Job Description You will take down memoirs as you go through the materials from the events and organizations in which Laura participated. You will also help sort, box and ship these materials, plus records from various social movements, to a major state hysterical society.

HOW TO APPLY: For your cover letter, just copy and paste this posting into your e-mail to Particularly in the Qualifications and Job Description areas, include information about your experience and each of the personal characteristics and job skills. TAKE CARE TO INSERT your replies between the appropriate lines in dialogue fashion, just like the in-person conversation we hope to have with you down the line after our initial e-mail screening process.

[Again with the condescension (and control-freak approach) - Make sure you wipe your tushy after you've used the toytoy!]

Give us EXAMPLES of your skills and suitability to the job, as well as the job's suitability to you, plus any comments and questions. Also, add your available times for us to schedule you both as a work schedule and for an interview, and your necessary hourly rate of pay and anything else. If you have a resume you may attach it, but it is not absolutely required, and please do NOT use it to miss out on the conversational reply to this ad. Kindly send us contact information for three references, and good times to reach your references and you.

[Dear Laura,
My necessary hourly rate of pay to work in your scent-free nightmare will be $50,000 per hour, paid in advance for an entire month, and I cannot guarantee that I will show up at all, nor should you expect me to, because you sound like such a high-maintenance, giant pain in the not-at-all-scent-free ass.]

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