All Sink No Swim

Wanted: Project Manager with Full Body Armor Who’s Not Afraid to Swim (SOMA / south beach)
[attempt at overly-clever headline - FAIL]

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Date: 2009-07-24, 1:41PM PDT
Reply to: badmetaphors@cliche.com

We're looking to add a new member to our small, tightly-knit team for our Drupal professional services business.

We're WorkHabit, Inc., [like 'coke habit'] a four year old technology consultancy. We’ve worked on many high profile and large-scale projects in Drupal, and we specialize in the technical development of complex and interesting projects. We partner with some of the top design and user experience firms in the business and we’re looking for another split-brained type with a passion for technology and design. Check us out online at http://www.workhabit.com/

[Um, I think I know what you were trying for with "split-brained", but "split-brain" is actually a drastic therapy used to treat epilepsy - it doesn't mean "highly creative as well as logical/analytical." Wait, unless you are looking for candidates with severed corpus callosums...]

What we're looking for.

* Technically oriented project manager with at least 3-5 years experience. Agency Experience a plus.
* Ability to write clearly, and can pitch in on RFPs and case studies.
* Owner of a flame retardant suite of armor who's used to dancing with developers. Our team is brilliant and challenging (in a good way). [though, this is why you'll want that body armor, because we'll be pelting you with flaming arrows all day, every day - good times.]
* Organized, in fact, you're probably someone who actually has an organized sock drawer. With dividers. That you made from scratch because IKEA didn't cut it.
* Excellent phone skills. [what sort of PM wouldn't have excellent phone skills? are you really looking for a flame-retardant receptionist?]
* Disciplined. We don't want to manage you, we want to work *with* you, so be prepared to keep your own self on the hook. [nice imagery = meat packing plant] You'll be accountable for your results, and professionalism, but we're not the type to hover over your shoulder unless we actually need to know or you didn't send email or skype updates. [WTF?]
* Willing to work onsite in San Francisco with our VP Professional Services, and work closely to support her work. [work closely... close to the monitor? the desk?]
* Whatever it takes. We like work/life balance - it's necessary and awesome. But we also really need folks who are willing to kick it into gear when we get 5 proposals going out at the same time, so be one of those people (like us!). [so, when we say we like work/life balance, what we really mean is it's awesome when you ensure your work takes up the balance of your life, which we won't actually come out and say, but we'll expect, so, be ready to check your awesome life at the door for a few years.]

What makes you a rockstar. [as opposed to rock star]

* A passion for Drupal. [what about Droopy?]
* Experience working in the Drupal community, combined with experience working on other types of projects outside of Drupal so you are well rounded
* Design and/or Information Architecture Experience. We’re an agency, not a dev shop. [now, now, don't be defensive.]
* Ability to estimate technical work in Drupal, and some ability to show us (not tell us) with some examples puts you on the top of the list
* Experience working on both high-speed smaller projects, and big huge long-term projects and balance them out.
* Great track record of happy clients, and excellent references.
* A linkedIn profile full of gushing reviews about how awesome you are [another awesome use of awesome]

This position is onsite in San Francisco for 3 months contract, and if you're awesome, [dude - so awesome] there's a good possibility there'd be a longer-term position for you. We're slow to hire, [and slow to learn words other than 'awesome'] and want people willing to prove their abilities. We're going places [slowly], so this position could retain the interest of folks who like a challenge. [folks? who are you talking to? first you want an awesome armor-wearing swimmer with a passion for technology, then you want "folks"? suddenly I want to put on a seersucker suit and solve murder cases.]

How to apply
Send us your name, phone number, and email, along with your resume and an email describing why you think you'd love to work here (we're looking for an open conversation about being a fit, not a pitch from you), along with your linkedin profile and any other social media you think would help us get to know you to: apply@workhabit.com.

[Thank god you included instructions on how to apply. This is a major obstacle for most awesome, highly-organized, disciplined, flame-retardant, split-brained, PMs with excellent phone skills and a passion for swimming in a full suit of armor. Phew! This job sounds like a totally awesome never-ending struggle in a pile of quicksand - sweet!]

We're really looking forward to hearing from you! Please PRINCIPALS ONLY.

* Compensation: DOE
* This is a contract job.
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
* Please, no phone calls about this job! [even though if you did call, we'd expect you to demonstrate your excellent phone skills.]
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Women's WHAT Designer?

Women's Bottoms Designer (San Francisco, CA)

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Reply to: see below
Date: 2009-04-17, 5:16AM PDT

Research, design and develop seasonal product that consistently delivers the corporate brand strategy.

PLEASE NOTE: This position is located in Bellevue, WA (Seattle Area) [where we need better women's bottoms, apparently]

Core Accountabilities [not sure that's a word...]:
· Research, design and development execution that meets or exceeds corporate margin goals
· Strict adherence to the milestones and deadlines of the critical path calendar [good god not the critical path calendar - that's the one with the critical paths... on a calendar... that are critical!!!]
· Design and develop best quality products
· Research, interpret, validate and apply market trends that drive brand strategy
· Dual accountability with Technical Designer for developing, updating, maintaining the accuracy of design spec packs through pre-production within proto sampling process
· Develop technical sketches for new products that adhere to design brief within spec package by product and classification [I've got your spec package right here]
· Manage & coach team of Assistant or Associate Designer [team of designer. ok]
· Contribute to the evolution of fit blocks by category
· Review all prototype samples for accurate construction, silhouette, fit and trim details
· Partner with Development team and Design Director to determine seasonal fabrics that meet design brief expectations
· Attend product fittings and provide input to maintain design integrity
· Deliver confident and influential product presentations

Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities:
· 2 year apparel design degree or equivalent experience
· 5-8 years of successful product design experience in Women's Bottoms [isn't this a blatant HR violation?]
· Ability to sketch in Adobe Illustrator
· Proficiency in Word and Excel
· Outdoor/active market experience with a personal passion for the living the outdoor lifestyle
· Working knowledge of WebPDM spec package system

WHAT DO WE DO? Eddie Bauer is a specialty retailer that sells high quality casual apparel and accessories for the modern outdoor lifestyle. Our brand is authentic. It is named after our founder, Eddie Bauer. This heritage provides the company with the foundation for the brand: a love for the outdoors [and women's bottoms], quality you can trust, passionate product design, great customer service, a spirit of innovation, and creative marketing.

WHY EDDIE BAUER? We believe that people [and women's bottoms] are the foundation of our business. Our culture is unique; our values encourage focusing on customers, women's bottoms, quality, curiosity, passion, teamwork, integrity, straight talk [express!] / listening and results. Our teams possess a great sense of pride and energy. Eddie Bauer's Associates know they make a difference [in women's bottoms]!

WHAT WE OFFER! Eddie Bauer offers a collaborative work environment, competitive compensation, product discount and an industry leading relocation program.

We will personally contact applicants qualified for an interview. No phone calls please.

Eddie Bauer is committed to equal opportunity employment [and the betterment of women's bottoms everywhere].

To Apply for this position, please CLICK HERE
[click here? oy. web 1993]

* Location: San Francisco, CA [liars - you already said "PLEASE NOTE: This position is located in Bellevue, WA (Seattle Area)" - it's uncool to lie in your job posting]
* Compensation: Competitive
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this woman's bottom.
* Please, no phone calls about this woman's bottom!
* Please do not contact woman's bottom about other services, products or commercial interests.

Let's Pick on Winnipeg

Sure - it's shooting fish in a toilet bowl, but still:

• Writing/Editing Jobs - Winnipeg

Bask in the emptiness.